Everybody's Fine.

The trailer doesn't do this movie justice. I used to not cry during movies....that has all changed. Tonight I went with my family to see this movie at the cheap theatre. I had no idea what I was in for. Recently, and by recently I mean several years....I have been struggling with something. I don't care to talk about it with most people but I'll write about it on here because it needs to be outside of me for once. This is really hard for me to write because I feel like no matter what words come out no one will understand what I am trying to get at, but I will try anyway. Talking in code is pretty entertaining and if people took the time...I guess it's not too hard to figure out what I'm talking about. As most of you know I am really good at tip toeing around topics (which makes complete sense now)....I'm starting to get over that and becoming more real by the second.

Basically, the main topics of this movie (and the main things I have been struggling with):
1. truth being hidden from people close to us for other people's happiness.
2. keeping things from people because they can't handle it.
3. not really knowing the people closest to us when they are the ones that should know us best.
4. wanting to take it back and finally get to know someone when it's too late.
5. living in denial & avoiding issues that make us uncomfortable.

Point is... Very few truly know me. my family doesn't even know me. Honestly, they will be shocked when they find this blog when I die. They have known me for almost 27 years and are the people I love most in this life and yet...still, they only know what I tell them or what they choose to hear. As I sat there in the theatre with them...I sunk low into my chair and sobbed quietly. I hoped as they were watching this movie that they would somehow get the message. The message that their daughter wants them to know her. My friend said something interesting to me last night...she said, "parents are mostly there to help us when we fall....maybe they're not supposed to be a part of every step of the journey." That sure made me think. At this point one major thing is coming between us and it is very hard not to hate that thing....I have to understand and I cannot be mad at them. Life is about love....about the people we meet along the way that help shape us into who we are. Life's too short to put up barriers between the ones we love most...no matter how we were raised. Love is more important than an old set of rules any day and if I ever have kids they will be raised to know that. I've learned that avoiding things and living in denial is easier than hearing the truth...and it's also the worst way to live. But hey, they know one thing for sure....steph's always fine.

East Coast SOLO ADVENTURE!

Last month I decided to go all by myself to the East Coast‭. ‬Baltimore‭, ‬Philly‭, ‬Delaware‭, ‬Connecticut‭, ‬Rhode Island‭, ‬Boston‭ ‬&‭ ‬NYC‭. ‬Needed a vacation‭...‬new scenery mostly‭. ‬About a week before I left I decided I would throw something together in an attempt to‭ ‬test something out‭ (‬which will remain confidential for the time being‭). ‬I wanted to see how many Hurley fans I could find while‭ ‬I was there and I would give them free stuff and interview them‭. ‬Didn't really expect to find many‭. ‬Threw out a line and got a‭ ‬bite‭....‬a big bite‭. ‬Making cupcakes in NYU students apartments at midnight‭, ‬playing drums on Bleecker with new friends‭, ‬having coffee and breakfast with strangers for hours‭. ‬Really‭, ‬this trip goes down in my book as one of the best trips ever‭...‬solo adventures are where it's at‭. ‬I got to hear so many stories that will stick with me forever‭...‬and THAT is what life is all about‭. ‬check out the video I threw together of some of the awesome people I met on my trip‭. ‬One day I hope to do this for good and by the way‭...‬the still shot of my face on this video is amazing haha‭.‬

1 COMMENTS:

corykhill said...
India... Steph should go to India. I'm just sayin.

a blog from 2007. wow.

It dawned on me today while I was at work that I currently have a mild obsession with Planter's peanuts...lightly salted. I was talking to a group of friends the other day about relationships in general and the LOOOOVE word, and losing love. Me being the Steph that I am, i associate all things love with food. These peanuts were beyond magnificent. Isn't it funny that you forget how much you really love something until you don't have it for awhile...and then suddenly when you have the opportunity to partake in it once again you are reminded of all of the good feelings that run through your body, the sensations of it on your tastebuds...and you fall in love with it all over again. One of the greatest feelings, i'm sure. I speak from experience with a jar of peanuts in my hand.

BUT in talking to friends about their current situations. The underlying question is HOW do you keep from getting tired of these delicious Planter's dry roasted peanuts? You're afraid that in loving these salty treats so much that you will crave them repeatedly, fall in love with them, but then it will die off when it becomes routine, or perhaps when you needs something sweet. Eventually it could just get old or possibly one day you find a more palatable snack. How do you avoid the vicious circle of loving something so much that you crave it on a regular basis, to one day...having the excitement dwindle off? thoughts?

hm. interesting.

PS: i don't think i've had peanuts since 2007...see what i mean?

the turning point‭.

This is documentation of one girls dream to do something MORE‭. ‬That girl is me‭.‬

We all have those thoughts about that THING‭. ‬That one thing we may never do before we die‭. ‬we write about it and go on brain trips about the‭ "‬what ifs‭" ‬in life surrounding that THING‭. ‬How many of us really take those thoughts and have our way with them‭? ‬Sure‭, ‬some of us quit our jobs in search of a variety of things‭...‬or maybe‭, ‬just maybe in search of absolutely nothing at all‭. ‬just because it feels right‭.‬

I'm Steph‭. ‬I'm 26‭. ‬In those 26‭ ‬years I have lived in 1‭ ‬place‭...‬Orange County‭, ‬CA‭. ‬I am climbing that corporate ladder right now‭ ‬&‭ ‬have been since I was 20‭, ‬why‭? ‬Because it's what we are raised to do‭. ‬go to school‭, ‬get a job‭, ‬take out loans to go to school‭ ‬again‭, ‬marry a man‭ (‬if you're a woman‭), ‬get a better job‭, ‬have kids and raise them to do the same‭. ‬Honestly‭, ‬I skipped out on a‭ ‬majority of those things‭. ‬Mmmmm‭...‬doesn't this sound good‭...‬dripping with success‭, ‬dream job‭, ‬brand new car‭, ‬closets full of clothes‭, ‬a crapload of computer/photography/music equipment‭, ‬living comfortably‭, ‬having enough money to spend frivolously‭, ‬living‭ ‬&‭ ‬working 5‭ ‬minutes from the beach‭, ‬working for a big name surf brand‭...‬maybe even one day that white picket fence‭, ‬yeah‭? ‬Sounds‭ ‬like a pretty dang good life‭. ‬If you don't know me you'd think I was bragging‭. ‬Rest assured‭, ‬I am not‭. ‬I am blessed to be where‭ ‬I am right now‭ ‬&‭ ‬I know I didn't get here on my own‭. ‬People might say by leaving this life behind that I take it for granted‭. ‬I‭ ‬have spent the last 26.5‭ ‬years doing what I was doing for a reason‭...‬to get me right here in this moment‭. ‬The turning point‭.‬

What it really comes down to‭... ‬I am tired‭. ‬Tired of spending my time doing pointless tasks that don't help a single person besides myself‭. ‬And am I really helping myself‭? ‬With that success comes‭...‬long days/nights‭, ‬ridiculous amounts of stress‭, ‬being cramped in a bubble‭, ‬saggy eyes‭, ‬wearing stiff clothes‭, ‬no time for cultivating friendships‭, ‬never leaving the familiar‭, ‬maybe even‭ ‬seeing the same people everyday‭, ‬not having time to do things that make my heart happy‭, ‬working hard to pay the bills just to come home and sleep in the house you pay for‭...‬then wake up and do it all over again‭. ‬FOR YEARS‭. ‬All for what‭? <‬span style‭="‬font-weight:bold‭;">‬TO DIE‭. ‬We work so hard every single day and we don't get to take any of that with us‭. ‬what do we leave here‭ ‬when our bodies are buried under a mound of dirt‭? ‬The memories and love that we shared with others‭. ‬Have we missed the point‭? ‬I‭ ‬think yes‭. ‬Follow me on my journey into the unknown‭....‬and share your stories with me too‭. ‬This could get interesting‭. ‬

2 COMMENTS:

bonnie m. said...
i fucking love this. and you.
DECEMBER 8, 2009 10:24 PM

Steph said...
bonnie!! you made me smile realllll big just now. 
miss you large amounts!
DECEMBER 21, 2009 12:06 PM

a bit irritated at this point.

i am frustrated to the point of tears right now. when i get upset i bite my cheeks and do dishes forcefully (i think i got that from my mom haha). i scrub countertops, organize drum hardware & dust between piano keys. Stuff that I know I can fix immediately. i feel better now. you guys (whomever you are) seriously...life is so short & I am reminded of that everyday I get closer to dying. sounds morbid but really....it's not. Truth is, in 2010 I am moving. Moving away from Orange County...as far away from it as I can get actually. This involves leaving my family after 26 years of either being in the same house or being right across the street from them. Without going into too much detail....i am frustrated for the following reasons:

1. if your family wants to do something (let's say...go on a roadtrip to Seattle over Christmas break) and is excited about it...suck it up, don't be selfish. This could be the last time you spend with them and when you're at their funeral crying and trying to remember all of the good memories... you would give anything to have that time back.

2. people aren't going to do stuff for you your entire life. Be an adult. Grow up. One day people won't cater to you anymore.

3. if you find yourself bored or needing to be entertained on a regular basis assess your life....there are SO many things to do. Find a hobby, figure out what your heart loves...find your passion and hold onto it tight with both hands. Once you find that...things stem from that and eventually you find yourself with too much to do and it's exciting!

4. if i decide to make you a present for christmas and you already bought mine don't say "oh, i wish i would've known that so i didn't spend so much money".....really? we have really missed the point of the holidays if that's our attitude.

5. i have half a mind (okay maybe a little more than half) to quit everything and just go see my family...my extended family. My friends, new friends and meet people....let them know I am thankful for them and love them. am i too sappy? probably. do people read this and think....steph that's not life, you just CAN'T do that...you have responsibilities. you have to make money, get a house...settle down. yeah. watch me.

my dad just called to check on me...:) my family is great. i think frustration with people is good because it forces you to put things in your own life into perspective and make adjustments. okay enough ranting for now. i don't know why i even put this on here. i just had an idea that came from this blog....time to start it.

Monday smiles.

I LOVE videos that make me smile. There are so many interesting people in the world...meeting people & hearing stories...doesn't get much better than that. the duckduck collective really captures that.

Figs & Ginger from John Carl on Vimeo.

mmmm drums.

walk away.

lost in that thought again
focus on the blur
here goes my analytical tangent
scoop me up in your complex words
you make sense but i can't stay
the curse of a life in F 1.8

feast.

A screenshot of a video i am putting together called "long beach"



morning conversation over the cubicles at Hurley:

"steph, what are you doing for thanksgiving?"
"eating. family. you know...typical."
"you're eating your family for thanksgiving?"
"yeah...family feast."
"i think it'd be fun to eat my entire family for a holiday"
"i think you'd feel bad about it after"
"i'd probably get in trouble"
"yeah, since it's murder and all"

gwenna.

Time to start having fun with the new camera & lenses.

poison & wine.

this actually makes my heart ache....the lyrics, the expressions, the emotion, the way it's filmed, the angles, the pain, the fact that they know the other is so close... it is physically hurting them to keep their eyes off of each other. a song about contradictions. struggle. something sweet but something that will kill you. i love everything about this song/video and i can't get enough of it. it's because it makes me think....what is this really about? a couple having a hard time in their relationship...two people that can't be together for whatever reason but the passion is so strong it's almost palpable, or maybe they know it just isn't going to work out but they want it to so badly. the world may never know. i don't have a choice but i still choose you. i don't love you but i always will.

new music November.

amazing new artists that I have discovered one way or another in my quest for finding new tunes that will rock my innermost core.

Van She
The Civil Wars
Damien Jurado
The Grates
M83
Little Joy
Newton Faulkner
Band of Skulls
Gotye
Girl Talk
Katie Herzig
Tunng
Yeasayer
Bon Iver

that's enough for now. take a listen and tap your feets. i just got back from my east coast solo adventure and oh my sweet sweet heck...if i could write a blog that would capture all of the emotion & excitement, i would. i will try to get it all together and post something.

unbound i go.

"We went on a road trip for 30 days to 30 cities filming stories of people around America. This film is a compilation and summation of that journey." - duckduckcollective.com

This film was shown in San Francisco on October 17th and NYC on October 22nd.

Short Film - Levi's "Go Forth" from John Carl on Vimeo.

Brandi Carlile @ the Wiltern 10.17.09

I will write something about the show later. I have too much to say & no time to write it. For now, enjoy the video & photos....prints are for sale if you're interested. She leaves me in awe every single time. i took my mom...it was great:)

i have dreams.

she is phenomenal & blows my brain...i am pretty obsessed and I'm okay with it. Get to see her at the Filmore in LA on Saturday. favourite part is where she is by that giant green face at the end... for obvious reasons.

the fun theory.

I am in love with the song JUNEBUG by Robert Francis. GO GET IT FOR FREE HERE

east coast solo adventure.

Yep, that's right...it's that time again. For my yearly trip to the big city. This time, just me...and my camera, laptop, & knife. I would like to take my cajon & guitar because I will be meeting up with some musicians in NYC & Boston BUT i only have 2 hands. So here's my plan...first, let me say that no where in the plan am i seeing sleeping arrangements (except Delaware). Hmm, minor detail. This is dangerous my mother said...i said, no it is not. do you not remember me mentioning i have a sharp knife? Okay, anyway...I fly out of orange county on Nov. 7. Fly into Baltimore airport where a good buddy will pick me up. I am staying with her and her family in Middletown, Delaware. We will go to Philly and have a cheesesteak. Her & I will either roadtrip it to NYC or i will take a bus there. I will spend Tuesday- hmm whenever I want in the city. I will get on a bus or train sometime that next weekend & head up to Boston. Where I will play music, drink coffee, meet my best friend's sister & then fly out of Boston on the 17th. Back to the cubicle on the 18th. This is all very exciting to me...best part, my airline ticket cost $10. If I don't make it back...come searching for me, because that means I did not have a big enough weapon or i just didn't feel like heading back.

photographs.

one of these days I'll have more time for photography. i play when i can.

I'm like the wind in the canyon

I'm there then I'm gone in a second.

hi.

i feel like i should write. i can't sleep.

i'm sure i say this in every blog but it's crazy when you're alone how much you really learn about yourself. you're forced to be stuck with you and ONLY you. i suck as a human...i am not a good person. i have been told this once in my life (not counting myself). it's funny, out of all of the people in 26 years that have said i am a good person only one voice echoes in my head repeatedly...and it's really all that matters. Everytime I get on the fwy at Brookhurst and pass that light with the sticker on it, i cringe and play it in my head. Mostly, because it's true. partially because i am one for torturing myself. So....anyway, when i think SPECIFICALLY i would like to think that i am a pretty good person. but when i think relationships in GENERAL i look over the last 10 years...wow, disaster. big disasters. My life is an experiment in bad decisions in that area & only a handful of people know about this. Repeating history is when it becomes ridiculous...and i have definitely done that as well. I think it takes falling and completely messing up in order to really make changes. We all know that and we have all been there.

i was talking to a close friend of mine awhile back and picking myself apart with her. she said that she figured it out...she figured out why i kept getting myself into these familiar situations. Besides the fact that i am dumb haha. she said "people are drawn to you and away from what they have because of your passion...it ignites something inside of them and makes them realize things are stale. they ache for that intense passion that they remember they once had." ugh, yeah...passion is great and all but this was not a good thing for me to hear, because i LOVE connecting with other people like this. what she said definitely clicked. i have spent 10 years being in situations like this. putting myself there and sometimes finding myself there unexpectedly. now i recognize it clear as day. i know this because things pop up and i am tested...i actually have to shut my eyes tight and think about what is going on because my immediate reaction is to reach out, listen and help. i'm not always the one that needs to help...i'm realizing that sometimes i just can't be that person. like i said, i'm learning.

i have felt in the past like i am constantly having to look out for someone else...and make sure i am making decisions that are right for them, so that they aren't hurt. despite what some people may think i HATE hurting people. Even when I was the one being hurt I was still worried about the person who was hurting me. I kind of just wanted someone to look out for me for once...but i really am starting to believe that in the moment everyone is in it for themselves. All of us. I have been lied to and i have lied. Life is short...we lose people when we lie. we lose people when we put ourselves first....sometimes they come back around, sometimes seconds chances are handed out freely, sometimes you only get one chance. you take away the lessons and the memories and you hope and pray to God that someone was made to love you for the good and the bad.

"i want passion, the kind that tears your stomach out... the kind that takes you to that next level"

Give Up The Ghost.

ugh i love her & Alison Miller...saw her play with Ani DiFranco. There needs to be more girl drummers in the world.

made me smile while i ate a lean pocket.

Fearless, Colbie Caillat & an old piano.

Steph goes to Orlando, FL.

TO SAY BYE TO JOJO AT LAKE BUTT. HAHA AUGUST 2009.

taking it back to the old school.

Gypsy Den with the Surfing50States boys.

sometimes i eat lunch at my desk because there's always something to research. Today I ended up going back in time and i stumbled across one of my old blogs. It's crazy...

1. how much I used to write on here

2. how busy and distracted I got.

3. how reading old words put you right back there in that moment in time and you remember EXACTLY what you were referring to.

4. how people that were a huge part of your life just aren't there anymore. Friends part ways, hearts are hurt, relationships damaged...learn something from every person and situation, love large amounts, and don't take anyone or any moment for granted.

If you have time take a gander at this...

the best part of waking up

CURRENT SONG: Even Born Again- Sarah Jaffe

i like this.

"Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons."
- Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

I read this book back in 2006. I let someone borrow it and i don't remember who...so i bought another copy last week. Funny how you read a book the 2nd time around and it resonates with you on a much deeper level than the 1st. I read it when i first had the itch to get out there and "see the world". So cliché, right? At least that's what i've been told. Pack up my stuff. leave the comfortable. the familiar. meet people. hear their stories. take my camera and guitar and just....you know, hit the road. I have found that this feeling inside of me just won't go away. I can suppress it...sometimes for years at a time and convince myself to be responsible, save money and be adultish...if you will. I've had just about enough. I feel it stirring inside of me...this time it's much more. An intense feeling that I have put aside for too long. We were made for more than a 9-5 job in a tiny cubicle. Ellen said it best...

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it." -Ellen D.

i just can't do that anymore. but i'll tell you more about that later.

tasty treats.

a few of the Songs/Artists/Albums that have made my summer complete.

Bon Iver- Blindsided
Beth Hart- Favorite Things
Eugene & the 1914- Still Around listen
Dar Williams- The Beauty of the Rain
Colbie Caillat- Fearless, Never Told You
Great Lake Swimmers- Pulling on a Line, Moving Pictures Silent Films
Ingrid Michaelson's entire "Everybody" album
Damien Jurado- Denton, TX
Phoenix- Wolfgang Amadeus Phoneix
Meshell Ndegeocello- Beautiful
Tiger Tank Euphoria listen
the Black Keys- Nobody But You
Kings of Leon- I Want You, 4 Kicks
Don't Look Back- Télépopmusik
Little Dragon- Twice
New Radicals- You've got the music in you
Sunny Levine- Love Rhino

foolish behavior @ the holiday inn.

Surfing 50 States.

Gotta love my Aussie buds Jonno & Stefan (http://www.surfing50states.com/). Read this interview with them and watch their trailer:) READ THIS

Surfing 50 States Teaser Trailer from Jonno Durrant on Vimeo.

certifiably nuts.

"I was certifiably nuts. I was crazy in everyone's mind but my own. I knew nothing about Austin, other than it was the capital of Texas. . .I was 22 and had absolutely nothing tying me down. If I didn't move away at that moment, when I had the most energy and the strongest desire, I would be stuck wondering "what if" for the rest of my natural life. I would rather move away and fail miserably than live with that uncertainty hanging over my head for decades. . .It would be good for me to leave the security of my job, my family, and my friends in Nebraska in exchange for total ambiguity and isolation. I would just have to make the leap of faith and trust God to fill in the blanks." -jen austen

desire.

I can barely sit still.....something is stirring inside of me and it's unlike anything I have ever experienced. it's intense and really good.

"My desire is burning like a million stars and i'll keep reaching out for you. My desire is burning with the fire you sparked."

the cupid shuffle

things got a little out of hand at Cowboy Country when Tiffy and I started doing high kicks on a week night.

the summer of 2009.

"i want to change the world but instead i sleep".

i love that quote above. last night i laid on the floor with Lauren...we had so much to say. It was exciting and refreshing to talk to someone who is so hungry and reaching out for more. This entire summer has really blown my mind. I know that God has had His hand on my life...it is so clear to my friends and I, that we have gotten to this point because of something beyond us. Okay follow me here...timing is everything.

August 2006: enter Drew Wall. I meet Drew at one of my artshows. We hit it off. Sadly, we lose touch for nearly 3 years.

November 2006: enter Michelle Bandach. Michelle & I are in an artshow together at Hurley. She is bizarre, we click immediately.

March 2007: enter Tassia Trink. I meet Tassia when she walks into the Human Resources dept at the hospital i worked at. I saw her walk in, gave her paperwork, made her badge and told myself that we would be friends. Invite her to an artshow I am in.

March 2007: enter Lauren Godlove. Her and Tass come to my artshow. I know that I like these new friends but we continue hanging out randomly in groups every once in awhile for the next 2 years.

(2 year period where I disappear from CA and become a Texan)

June 2009: Randomly meet a girl named Gretchen from Kansas/Mississippi who is mutual friends with a lot of my old friends on Facebook. We meet up and hit it off immediately. She is now my best friend. Come to find out she also knows Drew Wall. Drew & I reunite. Gretchen & I go to a party in Long Beach...she meets all of my friends. Over the summer our group has become a very tight knit group...we have spent one on one time with each other and shared our lives.

a lot of things are happening and it is amazing. life thus far has left me in awe and I am so excited for the future. I am doing things differently on a daily basis. it's going to be good.

Pleonexia & tic tac toe

A word that has echoed in my head for about one month. I tried to shake it off but it was lodged in my brain for good. PLEONEXIA.

"the insatiable desire to have what rightfully belongs to others"

"will pursue its own interests with complete disregard for the rights of others"

"to have a taste of something...and to lust for more."

"never being satisfied"

it's pretty simple. we are all faulty by nature BUT...we know better. Are we ever completely satisfied with where we are at that present moment? Something could always be better...someone could make us happier. There's always something to complain about...something to pick apart and overanalyze until it looks undesireable. We go through this not only in relationships but with everything. I had a job at a hospital....i enjoyed it, i mastered each position I was in, increased my pay and built my resume, but after awhile i dreaded it...i did NOT want to put on a business suit and go to work. i told myself that there HAD to be something better for me...something that fit me. I got the job at Hurley...LOVED IT, dream job. Web content & photography turned into web design. I did that for awhile and took something from it but ultimately decided i didn't want to do that...I didn't like it because it just wasn't "my cup of tea". Social networking is my thing...fun job. Now I sit here and think... I am blessed to have a good paying job that is flexible but is it REALLY my passion? am I ever going to do what I am passionate about? What AM i passionate about? I want to make a differnce and help people without concern for myself and how i'm going to make it in life. At what expense? I get rid of all things comfortable because i want something more. I have been writing about this same thing for 2 years. One day I will do it but seriously... am i always going to want what I don't have?

just some words.

i read blogs daily...google reader is my buddy. here is a photo i stumbled upon yesterday.

i have been making an effort to get to know the girls in my group & really nurture those friendships. so many friends so little time...but i am trying. Last night we had a dinner party at my place. we sat on my patio with lanterns and sipped on beverages, got locked out on the patio, took pictures, and wrote on old paper. there are times when we have just laid on our backs in silence. On Monday night i had a friend over and i realized the next day she was there for 7 hours and it felt like a couple. We talked about God, love, adventure, how we were raised, and things that are important to us. We played music and watched old videos. Talking to her was so inspiring that i cried several times...i told her this was unusual for me (the robot). All of this to say... I appreciate my friends and everyday I am learning something new. Everyday I try to love more, live true, and make a difference. Good things are happening...i can taste it.

LA is on fire.

the view of the hills of LA off of muholland:(


random facts (because it's been awhile):

1. one time i passed out and hit my head on an iron rod...which meant it was time for a cat scan! They said they found a speck in there that didn't seem normal....i told them it was just my brain. (and my dad thinks i don't listen to his jokes haha)

2. if i am sleeping alone my feet push on the footboard of the bed and rock me to sleep. i realize this annoys bed buddies if someone is staying over.

3. i have a spider bite on the BOTTOM of my foot.

4. i have a skateboard under my desk at all times.

5. my favourite travel mug has a name...it is Stanley Aladdin.

cubes are like cages.

while my body sits in this cubicle my mind lives a very exciting & magical life.

these videos inspire me...take a look:

a night in lynchburg from John Carl on Vimeo.

can't wait for this!

every little thing about this trailer makes my heart do the happy dance!

from the month of July.

sometimes i feel like my entire life is spiraling out of control. tonight i lost someone..but tonight i helped someone out. they got their life back. i feel like all i do is invest in things only to sink low into my worn out seat in the front row to watch them shatter. most of the time it's my own damn fault...but i recall a time where i couldn't breathe and choked back the tears... tears you only cry when you've had your heart demolished. i am sure you know it well. i shake my head with my eyes closed tightly as i wait for that familiar blow to the gut.

i fall fast.
i love hard. before the love is gone.
i hit hard.
i mend slowly. and my heart aches quite terribly.
every step of the way.

i used to say i only trust myself but now even that's getting hard.

you think this is about you. you have no idea.

8/30/09 hmm...i came across this in my old journal. no matter how many mistakes i have made over the years...i know that i was loving, living and learning. life is good...it takes us by surprise.

catch up & fries with Steph.

"i've been friends with steph for years and i don't really know her that well..."

i thrive off of the group settings rather than the one on one stuff. Always have. Why am I like this? Easy. if I am in a one on one situation with another person they are more than likely going to get to know me...although I usually do my best to avoid talking about myself. I have a way of steering the conversation towards them without them even knowing it...people LOVE talking about themselves so it's not that difficult. on occasion i find a few friends who do want to get to know the softer side of steph and it takes awhile for me to warm up. That whole talking about myself, my past, my future and eventually my heart...i'm still getting used to it. Groups are safe. it seems that i only allow certain people in but what makes those people special? i doubt i'll ever know. There are very few i have found in my life that right off the bat i have had a strong connection with and they have a hard time shutting me up. Those people intruige me...because there's something about them that draws me in and brings something out in me...i can't get enough of it. i don't let just anyone ride my scooter.

baby hippo reunites with mother haha

perfect for a night like tonight. god is love.

when my insides do flips.

"Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul and then walks grinning in the funeral." -Kahlil Gibran

i would expand with my own thoughts and feelings but there is no need. this has started a fire in my soul. ouch.

i have a lot to say.

just not enough time to say it all. one day i will pour out my heart on here. until then...mat kearney is making my day. thanks g love.

the world is too big to never ask why
the answers don’t fall straight out of the sky
i’m fighting to live and feel alive
but i can’t feel a thing without you by my side
send me out a lifeline

you’re watching everyone you ever belonged to
walk away from you
maybe all along you’ve been running from the truth

there’s nothing i would change, i’d give it all away
for you again and again and over again

makes steph happy.

my work is fun.

what i did all week/weekend at work. the Hurley US Open of Surfing. tom did an awesome job on this video!

HURLEY U.S. OPEN SURF INTRO from Tom Aiello on Vimeo.

Rosie and I with baby carrots in our hands.

Kelly Slater was incredible but our boy Brett took home the $100K

125,000K people on Saturday...best crowd in all US Open history

STEPH & KJ SING KARAOKE...

commentary by: Gretchen & Tass T (or Tasty)

felt this one in the marrow...

kandk1 12 @ Yahoo! Video

Already you see I have escaped from you.

a friend i recently met found her copy of leaves of grass in storage and began reading it again...as did i. after staring at the computer screen for hours and hours it's good to stare at something else for a change. this was soothing.

Whoever you are holding me now in hand,
Without one thing all will be useless,
I give you fair warning before you attempt me further,
I am not what you supposed, but far different.

Who is he that would become my follower?
Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?

The way is suspicious, the result uncertain, perhaps destructive,
You would have to give up all else, I alone would expect to be your
sole and exclusive standard,
Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,
The whole past theory of your life and all conformity to the lives
around you would have to be abandon'd,
Therefore release me now before troubling yourself any further, let
go your hand from my shoulders,
Put me down and depart on your way.

Or else by stealth in some wood for trial,
Or back of a rock in the open air,
(For in any roof'd room of a house I emerge not, nor in company,
And in libraries I lie as one dumb, a gawk, or unborn, or dead,)
But just possibly with you on a high hill, first watching lest any
person for miles around approach unawares,
Or possibly with you sailing at sea, or on the beach of the sea or
some quiet island,
Here to put your lips upon mine I permit you,
With the comrade's long-dwelling kiss or the new husband's kiss,
For I am the new husband and I am the comrade.

Or if you will, thrusting me beneath your clothing,
Where I may feel the throbs of your heart or rest upon your hip,
Carry me when you go forth over land or sea;
For thus merely touching you is enough, is best,
And thus touching you would I silently sleep and be carried eternally.

But these leaves conning you con at peril,
For these leaves and me you will not understand,
They will elude you at first and still more afterward, I will
certainly elude you.
Even while you should think you had unquestionably caught me, behold!
Already you see I have escaped from you.

For it is not for what I have put into it that I have written this book,
Nor is it by reading it you will acquire it,
Nor do those know me best who admire me and vauntingly praise me,
Nor will the candidates for my love (unless at most a very few)
prove victorious,
Nor will my poems do good only, they will do just as much evil,
perhaps more,
For all is useless without that which you may guess at many times
and not hit, that which I hinted at;
Therefore release me and depart on your way.

Cowboy Country

I couldn't stop smiling the entire time...it started when we pulled up to this dancehall in a giant BARN in LONG BEACH! 2 stories, 4 dancefloors, live bands, pool tables, western shop, shoe shining...really?! in CA? I don't know if it's because my dad wore a cowboy hat and snakeskin boots a majority of my life, or because all we listened to was country music growing up...but somehow it stuck with me. I love this kind of stuff, and it made me miss TX....but I kinda felt like I was there. I've never seen that many line dances and cowboy hats in southern ca. What a great night!

raindrops & glowsticks....

okay, so maybe i am easily entertained...but i love this.

October 2008.

found this one hiding in the drafts folder of my blog.

I swear everytime my mom made potatoes the lid ended up falling off because they boiled over and bubbles pushed their way out the top and spilled over the side. When i was a child I rememer each and every time having to yell "mom the potatoes!! Hurry they're getting bigger!!" I guess she never knew exactly when it would happen and it always came as a surprise to both of us eventhough it happened everytime.

The other night I started talking about a situation that I am very passionate about. I could not contain my gigantic smile no matter how hard I tried....it was unstoppable. I love that...when feelings deep down in the core of your bone marrow are so true and genuine, you cannot help it...you just burst at the seams.

wow. i am a cheeseball.

Thoughts of you could give me smile lines...

seriously can't get enough of her and this song.



I can never write a love song
I can never write a blue song
When I'm in love I am a lover
And I have always had the blues

I am afraid that no one sees me
What will they say when I am gone
It occurs to me I think I miss you
I think I've missed you all along

Out of the corner of my eye (out of the corner of my eye)
Not sure if I should think these things of you
Is it the wrong place at the wrong time
I think it's just my turn to lose

Thoughts of you could give me smile lines
I laugh myself to sleep because I knew (I knew)
We were talking ‘bout a fine line
It depends on who you're talking to

If it's any consolation
The blues have always had me too
And if I ever write a love song
I think I'll write it about you

seriously...proud.

texas friends. that is all.

music vids that tug at heart strings

waking up from a dream that feels so real makes my heart ache....i hate it, but i love it at the same time. makes me remember that i am not numb and that my heart is still fully alive in here. dreams are crazy things...sometimes i have woken up reaching for someone, with tears everywhere. i have awoken angry at someone when they have done nothing at all. Sometimes things in my dreams seem incredibly tangible....and to awake from that dream alone in a dark room is a shock. i frantically search for something familiar. anywhere. nothing...so i close my eyes and hope everything comes back.



Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines

some things are better left unsaid.

"we sat there in silence and let the music speak to us....some things are better left unsaid."

SO. i have been writing a stupid amount. Mostly because a fat man has been sitting on my chest and told me he won't get off until I get some things worked out. Unanswered questions...unresolved feelings...these will stay with me until I release them. Releasing it is the hardest because I immediately want to torture myself in various ways.

More than ever I feel the need to be transparent...like an opacity of 20% in photoshop. I am realizing more and more that trusting others with anything is a huge risk...trusting myself is difficult because you just never know what anyone is capable of. On one hand I would say that people are pretty predictable...on the other hand, you give someone the benefit of the doubt and that is when they end up hurting you...seems to be every man for himself. be selfish. get what you want from people and don't rest until you get it. live on the edge...live in the moment, fly by the seat of your pants...don't overthink...just be honest. The second you are honest with one person you might be forced to lie to another. Feelings are feelings...sometimes they're undeniable and consume every part of you. I would be lying if I said it was easy for me to control my feelings. That it was easy to have that "mind over matter" mentality...sometimes your body and heart just react BUT...following through with those feelings can lead down a path of destruction, for you and for others. You have to try to look ahead a few steps to see what kind of path you're taking and make decisions accordingly. If we don't stumble and fall flat on our face we will never have those experiences to grow from....those mistakes shape us into who we are.

Recognizing that you've made mistakes after the fact is one thing...but knowing you were messing up the entire time even though things felt right, well that's a different story. Why do we continue in things when we know that they cause hurt and pain to others in our lives? I don't know but I am pretty sure we have all done it at some point. I know that I have had it happen to me and I have been at fault as well. Gather the shattered pieces or your heart and keep moving forward.

Currently listening to: Bat For Lashes.

kinda funny when someone steals my words...

I came across this blog somewhere and as i was reading i noticed that there were words left in the comment section that sounded so familiar. it's because i said them haha but someone stole them. i'll take it as a compliment...(i only wrote the part in bold on my blog last year)

I was in a troubled relationship a while back. It had long since passed its expiration date and in true lesbian fashion, we continued to hold on—not because there were any hopes of fixing what was wrong, but more out of fear and laziness. One morning, she couldn’t find her cell phone in the apartment, so I called it. The caller-ID ring-tone she set for my name began and she blanched.

“What song is that?” I asked.

“Let go,” she mumbled without making eye-contact.

Neither one of us said a word next. We carried on in silence as we gathered our things getting ready for work.

It was obvious to us back then that we no longer belonged together; but we continued our entanglement for years to come. What we had was comfortable. We knew we would never “make it,” so there was almost no reason to try. This lead to an unhealthy affair wherein she hurt my feelings repeatedly and I fought back with more warmth and affection than was warranted, wanted, or even authentic. Because I liked playing the martyr and she provided me with anecdotes like this one, we fit like hand in glove.

They say the only romantic love is unrequited, and I am nothing if not romantic. I suffered “nobly” for a long time. I understood our dynamic and flaunted it as my cross to bare. Somehow I thought it made me more heroic, more valiant, more. Like an emotional hair-shirt, she was the tool I used to torture myself. A soldier in the war of love, I was earning my purple heart.

I held onto this notion of what love entails (withholding, suffering, martyrdom) for too long. I think I was afraid to be happy because previous ups had been met in equal turn by devastating downs. As a result, I stopped looking to leap. After taking enough major falls, I’ve stayed low to the ground, scrounging around for whatever scraps of affection I could scavenge. I thought this would make me strong. I thought I needed toughening up. I was very wrong. Hiding in the underworld of the under-loved, fighting for every measly bit of emotional sustenance I could consume has been hardening me. I know this because when something wonderful crosses my path, my instincts tell me to run away. No longer brave in the face of an opportunity, I’m terrified. I now find myself filled with fear and doubt. After too much time in my cave, seeing only the occasional spark of my flint, I’ve almost forgotten what the light looks like—I almost don’t believe in it. And when the rock covering the entrance gets pushed a little to the side, the light hurts my eyes and I can no longer hide—it’s terrifying. At the same time, instinctually, I’m drawn to the light; I know it’s where I belong. I feel like I’m starting to wake up, starting to wonder what the world outside looks like and my curiosity is trumping my fear.

It’s time I climbed out and rejoined the ranks of the living, and take my seat near the ones who perch atop the peaks and get carried away by the winds of love. It’s time to fly. Even as I write this, I feel a tightening in my chest, a fear in the pit of my stomach that screams “NOOOOO!!! Hide out in the cave a while longer! Don’t get swept away! Cling to the safety of the lower levels!” But I think, maybe it’s time I let go…

AT 11:10 PM

COMMENTS:

Rebecca said...
Something I've learned through unfortunate experience (totally my own fault) is that it's a bit unsatisfying to give more in a relationship than you're getting back. BUT. It's SO MUCH WORSE to not give anything.

FEBRUARY 17, 2009 9:40 PM
(names have been changed to protect the innocent) said...
So raw so honest.. I like it!

Trusting your heart to someone is probably one of the scariest things ever. The first time is easy. The second time, you'll give people the benefit of the doubt. But after that it gets harder and harder, but not impossible, to let the heart forgive, let go and love again.

This topic reminded of Rachael Yamagata's lyrics:

"There are only two ends to this dance
You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love
keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night"

FEBRUARY 18, 2009 9:19 AM
MLC said...
We get broken open to life and grow bigger. And at some point the pain of the familiar is stronger than our fear of the unknown.

Leap.

my new favourite song...

is that alright with you?

okay....so listening parties, that's the topic for the night.
everyone needs to have these...i would say weekly. Just a time where you find new music with friends, light some candles, pour a glass of wine, and just soak in the lyrics into your bone marrow.

i find myself drifting off...closing my eyes. laughing. crying. it's a good place to be. i told my friend tonight that music is my escape...that has been said about 12 million times but i do not care. it's amazing to me how one smell can whisk me away...one line from a song can make my entire body warm. i love that feeling..and i never want it to go away.

right na na na na NAAA.

Dreams...i have dreams...

why americans are dumb.

Steph Grant: try this...
Steph Grant: http://funstufftosee.com/frogleaptest.html
Steph Grant: we can't figure it out
Steph Grant: i can only get 2 frogs over
melia483: me too
melia483: ugh
Steph Grant: we are all getting mad
melia483: leap frogs...leap
melia483: chinese kids are tiny einsteins
melia483: tiny piano playing einsteins
melia483: americans are dumb
melia483: chinese rule all
Steph Grant: i just did it!
melia483: what?!?!
melia483: i take it back
melia483: you're brilliant
melia483: what'd you do?
Steph Grant: you wanna know why americans are dumb
melia483: why?
Steph Grant: because they don't know that they can type ANYTHING into youtube and find the answer.
Steph Grant: i will never tell my coworkers. mwahah.
melia483: HAHAHA
melia483: that's brilliant
melia483: you typed it into google?
melia483: or youtube?
Steph Grant: in youtube
Steph Grant: and watched a vid
melia483: hahahaha
melia483: genius, steph

Steph & JoJo go to COACHELLA.

delirious and indecisive....horrible combination.

i get these new babies on Wednesday...

EF 50mm f1.4 USM Autofocus Lens


EF 70-200mm f4L USM Autofocus Lens


upcoming purchase, the Black Swan:


seriously this time. it's time.
:)

oh snaps!

This one is for my friend Ri<3

hi i am steph the fake flakey people pleasing robot.

i got to thinking about something tonight. how well do people really know me? i am coming to find out that it could quite possibly take years and years to finally "get" Steph. My life is all over every social network....yet only few people have been able to figure me out. so here you go....a little raw information about me, because i feel like being transparent right this second. i have been called a lot of things... good things but also many bad. Always seems like the bad ones echo in my head a bit louder than the good.

**CINNAMON ROLL ELITIST: this is good, real good.

FAKE: I remember being called "fake" one time when I was about 17 and it crushed me. I never wanted to be fake and I didn't feel like I was at the time but the girl hated me because her boyfriend liked me and i was still nice to her. From that point forward...my mind was made up that i wanted to try my very hardest to be REAL. Even if it hurt people...even if it made me look bad. I always say that i am rarely in a bad mood...i feel like recently though there have been days when I have been in a bad mood and have lost a bit of my appreciation for the little things in life. I was reading a blog post from 2008 and was reminded just how much the little things fueled me and it opened my eyes a little more tonight. I also think that people who aren't really in bad moods come across as fake because EVERYONE has a bad day...and I am seeing that it's okay to let people know THIS DAY IS EFFING DUMB and i am having a hard time with it.

PEOPLE PLEASER: ever since i was little i always wanted to make people happy even at the expense of my own happiness. I knew that if in return someone else was happy I would feel okay about it. I would keep my mouth shut and try to focus on what the other person wanted instead of what made me genuinely happy. Now I have learned to listen to my heart and be honest. If you don't like who I am and you haven't taken the time to get to know my heart then you are probably not someone I will want to have around for very long.

ROBOT: first off, i think robots are the raddest things ever. But being called a robot is not viewed as a compliment (as much as i would like it to be). I understand where this comes from...I am pretty good at keeping my emotions to myself....unless I am very upset then my chest and face get red and I have no control over it. I am good at biting my tongue...I am also good at putting aside emotions and dealing with other things at the time without my emotions controlling a situation. Especially if I want to be very level headed about a decision my emotions get put on hold until I figure out what is best for my head and my heart. So yes, I supposed that is viewed as shutting down. I rarely get upset or angry but if my buttons are pushed one too many times i will calmly acknowledge that I am upset about something and question why it is happening as to figure out a solution so that it won't happen again. If things keep happening I slowly but surely start to become distant and withdrawn...this partially helps me to guard my heart and "go to my happy place". When it gets to be too much, emotions are gone...matters need to be addressed....and THAT ladies and gentlemen is when Steph actually morphs into a robot. Emotions always get dealt with...maybe not in the timeliest manner but they do. I am not saying this is the healthiest approach but I am learning about myself daily.

A FLAKE: i have been called a flake several times in my life. This is because at times...i am. I have intentions of making plans with numerous friends throughout the week....i make plans far in advance AND i am spontaneous and make plans at the last minute. Where does that leave me? With no time for myself. I sharpie everything in. I need to start going with the flow because sometimes there are going to be times where i am exhausted and just want to go home, be by myself, light some candles and watch gilmore girls with an 80s sweatband on and I don't want to be disturbed. Often times, I will cancel on people if I am not feeling in the mood to go....I figure why go when my whole heart isn't into it? I feel like those friends would be getting gipped.

i feel better typing all of this out. I also feel exhausted and like I need something refreshing and carefree. I miss the Steph that thrives off of the little things....i think she's just sleepy.

life lesson #27- don't take yourself too seriously.

a list of strange things that were said this week:

"i choked on a nut! correction: i choked on nut dust"

me: "sometimes jordan and i like to say half words... like obvi"
not me: "that could get you in trouble sometimes"
me: "oh yeah? how so?"
not me: "for example if you were to say i love dictionaries"

"is that a vitamin in your pocket or are you just happy to see the chickens?"

Steph and the midnight serenade...

for those of you who are not on my facebook...you are missing out on some tasty love ballads. Enjoy!