I came across this blog somewhere and as i was reading i noticed that there were words left in the comment section that sounded so familiar. it's because i said them haha but someone stole them. i'll take it as a compliment...(i only wrote the part in bold on my blog last year)
I was in a troubled relationship a while back. It had long since passed its expiration date and in true lesbian fashion, we continued to hold on—not because there were any hopes of fixing what was wrong, but more out of fear and laziness. One morning, she couldn’t find her cell phone in the apartment, so I called it. The caller-ID ring-tone she set for my name began and she blanched.
“What song is that?” I asked.
“Let go,” she mumbled without making eye-contact.
Neither one of us said a word next. We carried on in silence as we gathered our things getting ready for work.
It was obvious to us back then that we no longer belonged together; but we continued our entanglement for years to come. What we had was comfortable. We knew we would never “make it,” so there was almost no reason to try. This lead to an unhealthy affair wherein she hurt my feelings repeatedly and I fought back with more warmth and affection than was warranted, wanted, or even authentic. Because I liked playing the martyr and she provided me with anecdotes like this one, we fit like hand in glove.
They say the only romantic love is unrequited, and I am nothing if not romantic. I suffered “nobly” for a long time. I understood our dynamic and flaunted it as my cross to bare. Somehow I thought it made me more heroic, more valiant, more. Like an emotional hair-shirt, she was the tool I used to torture myself. A soldier in the war of love, I was earning my purple heart.
I held onto this notion of what love entails (withholding, suffering, martyrdom) for too long. I think I was afraid to be happy because previous ups had been met in equal turn by devastating downs. As a result, I stopped looking to leap. After taking enough major falls, I’ve stayed low to the ground, scrounging around for whatever scraps of affection I could scavenge. I thought this would make me strong. I thought I needed toughening up. I was very wrong. Hiding in the underworld of the under-loved, fighting for every measly bit of emotional sustenance I could consume has been hardening me. I know this because when something wonderful crosses my path, my instincts tell me to run away. No longer brave in the face of an opportunity, I’m terrified. I now find myself filled with fear and doubt. After too much time in my cave, seeing only the occasional spark of my flint, I’ve almost forgotten what the light looks like—I almost don’t believe in it. And when the rock covering the entrance gets pushed a little to the side, the light hurts my eyes and I can no longer hide—it’s terrifying. At the same time, instinctually, I’m drawn to the light; I know it’s where I belong. I feel like I’m starting to wake up, starting to wonder what the world outside looks like and my curiosity is trumping my fear.
It’s time I climbed out and rejoined the ranks of the living, and take my seat near the ones who perch atop the peaks and get carried away by the winds of love. It’s time to fly. Even as I write this, I feel a tightening in my chest, a fear in the pit of my stomach that screams “NOOOOO!!! Hide out in the cave a while longer! Don’t get swept away! Cling to the safety of the lower levels!” But I think, maybe it’s time I let go…
AT 11:10 PM
COMMENTS:
Rebecca said...
Something I've learned through unfortunate experience (totally my own fault) is that it's a bit unsatisfying to give more in a relationship than you're getting back. BUT. It's SO MUCH WORSE to not give anything.
FEBRUARY 17, 2009 9:40 PM
(names have been changed to protect the innocent) said...
So raw so honest.. I like it!
Trusting your heart to someone is probably one of the scariest things ever. The first time is easy. The second time, you'll give people the benefit of the doubt. But after that it gets harder and harder, but not impossible, to let the heart forgive, let go and love again.
This topic reminded of Rachael Yamagata's lyrics:
"There are only two ends to this dance
You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed
So for those of you falling in love
keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night"
FEBRUARY 18, 2009 9:19 AM
MLC said...
We get broken open to life and grow bigger. And at some point the pain of the familiar is stronger than our fear of the unknown.
Leap.
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