some things are better left unsaid.

"we sat there in silence and let the music speak to us....some things are better left unsaid."

SO. i have been writing a stupid amount. Mostly because a fat man has been sitting on my chest and told me he won't get off until I get some things worked out. Unanswered questions...unresolved feelings...these will stay with me until I release them. Releasing it is the hardest because I immediately want to torture myself in various ways.

More than ever I feel the need to be transparent...like an opacity of 20% in photoshop. I am realizing more and more that trusting others with anything is a huge risk...trusting myself is difficult because you just never know what anyone is capable of. On one hand I would say that people are pretty predictable...on the other hand, you give someone the benefit of the doubt and that is when they end up hurting you...seems to be every man for himself. be selfish. get what you want from people and don't rest until you get it. live on the edge...live in the moment, fly by the seat of your pants...don't overthink...just be honest. The second you are honest with one person you might be forced to lie to another. Feelings are feelings...sometimes they're undeniable and consume every part of you. I would be lying if I said it was easy for me to control my feelings. That it was easy to have that "mind over matter" mentality...sometimes your body and heart just react BUT...following through with those feelings can lead down a path of destruction, for you and for others. You have to try to look ahead a few steps to see what kind of path you're taking and make decisions accordingly. If we don't stumble and fall flat on our face we will never have those experiences to grow from....those mistakes shape us into who we are.

Recognizing that you've made mistakes after the fact is one thing...but knowing you were messing up the entire time even though things felt right, well that's a different story. Why do we continue in things when we know that they cause hurt and pain to others in our lives? I don't know but I am pretty sure we have all done it at some point. I know that I have had it happen to me and I have been at fault as well. Gather the shattered pieces or your heart and keep moving forward.

Currently listening to: Bat For Lashes.