hi i am steph the fake flakey people pleasing robot.

i got to thinking about something tonight. how well do people really know me? i am coming to find out that it could quite possibly take years and years to finally "get" Steph. My life is all over every social network....yet only few people have been able to figure me out. so here you go....a little raw information about me, because i feel like being transparent right this second. i have been called a lot of things... good things but also many bad. Always seems like the bad ones echo in my head a bit louder than the good.

**CINNAMON ROLL ELITIST: this is good, real good.

FAKE: I remember being called "fake" one time when I was about 17 and it crushed me. I never wanted to be fake and I didn't feel like I was at the time but the girl hated me because her boyfriend liked me and i was still nice to her. From that point forward...my mind was made up that i wanted to try my very hardest to be REAL. Even if it hurt people...even if it made me look bad. I always say that i am rarely in a bad mood...i feel like recently though there have been days when I have been in a bad mood and have lost a bit of my appreciation for the little things in life. I was reading a blog post from 2008 and was reminded just how much the little things fueled me and it opened my eyes a little more tonight. I also think that people who aren't really in bad moods come across as fake because EVERYONE has a bad day...and I am seeing that it's okay to let people know THIS DAY IS EFFING DUMB and i am having a hard time with it.

PEOPLE PLEASER: ever since i was little i always wanted to make people happy even at the expense of my own happiness. I knew that if in return someone else was happy I would feel okay about it. I would keep my mouth shut and try to focus on what the other person wanted instead of what made me genuinely happy. Now I have learned to listen to my heart and be honest. If you don't like who I am and you haven't taken the time to get to know my heart then you are probably not someone I will want to have around for very long.

ROBOT: first off, i think robots are the raddest things ever. But being called a robot is not viewed as a compliment (as much as i would like it to be). I understand where this comes from...I am pretty good at keeping my emotions to myself....unless I am very upset then my chest and face get red and I have no control over it. I am good at biting my tongue...I am also good at putting aside emotions and dealing with other things at the time without my emotions controlling a situation. Especially if I want to be very level headed about a decision my emotions get put on hold until I figure out what is best for my head and my heart. So yes, I supposed that is viewed as shutting down. I rarely get upset or angry but if my buttons are pushed one too many times i will calmly acknowledge that I am upset about something and question why it is happening as to figure out a solution so that it won't happen again. If things keep happening I slowly but surely start to become distant and withdrawn...this partially helps me to guard my heart and "go to my happy place". When it gets to be too much, emotions are gone...matters need to be addressed....and THAT ladies and gentlemen is when Steph actually morphs into a robot. Emotions always get dealt with...maybe not in the timeliest manner but they do. I am not saying this is the healthiest approach but I am learning about myself daily.

A FLAKE: i have been called a flake several times in my life. This is because at times...i am. I have intentions of making plans with numerous friends throughout the week....i make plans far in advance AND i am spontaneous and make plans at the last minute. Where does that leave me? With no time for myself. I sharpie everything in. I need to start going with the flow because sometimes there are going to be times where i am exhausted and just want to go home, be by myself, light some candles and watch gilmore girls with an 80s sweatband on and I don't want to be disturbed. Often times, I will cancel on people if I am not feeling in the mood to go....I figure why go when my whole heart isn't into it? I feel like those friends would be getting gipped.

i feel better typing all of this out. I also feel exhausted and like I need something refreshing and carefree. I miss the Steph that thrives off of the little things....i think she's just sleepy.