I'm there then I'm gone in a second.
hi.
i feel like i should write. i can't sleep.
i'm sure i say this in every blog but it's crazy when you're alone how much you really learn about yourself. you're forced to be stuck with you and ONLY you. i suck as a human...i am not a good person. i have been told this once in my life (not counting myself). it's funny, out of all of the people in 26 years that have said i am a good person only one voice echoes in my head repeatedly...and it's really all that matters. Everytime I get on the fwy at Brookhurst and pass that light with the sticker on it, i cringe and play it in my head. Mostly, because it's true. partially because i am one for torturing myself. So....anyway, when i think SPECIFICALLY i would like to think that i am a pretty good person. but when i think relationships in GENERAL i look over the last 10 years...wow, disaster. big disasters. My life is an experiment in bad decisions in that area & only a handful of people know about this. Repeating history is when it becomes ridiculous...and i have definitely done that as well. I think it takes falling and completely messing up in order to really make changes. We all know that and we have all been there.
i was talking to a close friend of mine awhile back and picking myself apart with her. she said that she figured it out...she figured out why i kept getting myself into these familiar situations. Besides the fact that i am dumb haha. she said "people are drawn to you and away from what they have because of your passion...it ignites something inside of them and makes them realize things are stale. they ache for that intense passion that they remember they once had." ugh, yeah...passion is great and all but this was not a good thing for me to hear, because i LOVE connecting with other people like this. what she said definitely clicked. i have spent 10 years being in situations like this. putting myself there and sometimes finding myself there unexpectedly. now i recognize it clear as day. i know this because things pop up and i am tested...i actually have to shut my eyes tight and think about what is going on because my immediate reaction is to reach out, listen and help. i'm not always the one that needs to help...i'm realizing that sometimes i just can't be that person. like i said, i'm learning.
i have felt in the past like i am constantly having to look out for someone else...and make sure i am making decisions that are right for them, so that they aren't hurt. despite what some people may think i HATE hurting people. Even when I was the one being hurt I was still worried about the person who was hurting me. I kind of just wanted someone to look out for me for once...but i really am starting to believe that in the moment everyone is in it for themselves. All of us. I have been lied to and i have lied. Life is short...we lose people when we lie. we lose people when we put ourselves first....sometimes they come back around, sometimes seconds chances are handed out freely, sometimes you only get one chance. you take away the lessons and the memories and you hope and pray to God that someone was made to love you for the good and the bad.
"i want passion, the kind that tears your stomach out... the kind that takes you to that next level"
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2 comments:
I feel honored to know you well enough to tell you the truth, Steph.
You are such a special person, your heart is very kind and your intentions are true. Just reading you say "I suck as a human" makes my heart ache because it is so far from the truth. You are, undeniably, a good person.
Your past is what it is. It couldn't have been any other way. Recognizing where you have been broken, and why, is the key to growth. All of this, you know. And trust me, I am witnessing some major growth in you. It's beautiful.
Love and more love.
Humans are flawed. Everyone has had their moments of weakness, of vulnerability, and of ugliness. no one is perfect. I agree with lauren when she says that your past is what it is. To recognize your brokenness really is the key to growth. To identify why you did or said the things that you did, and making an active attempt to prevent it from happening again, is proof of growth. Its essentially the key concept of "recovery", and the essential idea of cognitive therapy.
I think just remembering that god has a purpose for your life (Jer 29:11), and figuring out how to use your talents for that purpose, and relying on him to guide you is what really brings one true meaning in life. You have an amazing heart Steph, I can sense that. You'll figure it all out, im sure of it. xoxo- Debs
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