12.22.2009

Everybody's Fine.



The trailer doesn't do this movie justice. I used to not cry during movies....that has all changed. Tonight I went with my family to see this movie at the cheap theatre. I had no idea what I was in for. Recently, and by recently I mean several years....I have been struggling with something. I don't care to talk about it with most people but I'll write about it on here because it needs to be outside of me for once. This is really hard for me to write because I feel like no matter what words come out no one will understand what I am trying to get at, but I will try anyway. Talking in code is pretty entertaining and if people took the time...I guess it's not too hard to figure out what I'm talking about. As most of you know I am really good at tip toeing around topics (which makes complete sense now)....I'm starting to get over that and becoming more real by the second.

Basically, the main topics of this movie (and the main things I have been struggling with):
1. truth being hidden from people close to us for other people's happiness.
2. keeping things from people because they can't handle it.
3. not really knowing the people closest to us when they are the ones that should know us best.
4. wanting to take it back and finally get to know someone when it's too late.
5. living in denial & avoiding issues that make us uncomfortable.

Point is... Very few truly know me. my family doesn't even know me. Honestly, they will be shocked when they find this blog when I die. They have known me for almost 27 years and are the people I love most in this life and yet...still, they only know what I tell them or what they choose to hear. As I sat there in the theatre with them...I sunk low into my chair and sobbed quietly. I hoped as they were watching this movie that they would somehow get the message. The message that their daughter wants them to know her. My friend said something interesting to me last night...she said, "parents are mostly there to help us when we fall....maybe they're not supposed to be a part of every step of the journey." That sure made me think. At this point one major thing is coming between us and it is very hard not to hate that thing....I have to understand and I cannot be mad at them. Life is about love....about the people we meet along the way that help shape us into who we are. Life's too short to put up barriers between the ones we love most...no matter how we were raised. Love is more important than an old set of rules any day and if I ever have kids they will be raised to know that. I've learned that avoiding things and living in denial is easier than hearing the truth...and it's also the worst way to live. But hey, they know one thing for sure....steph's always fine.

12.21.2009

East Coast SOLO ADVENTURE!



Last month I decided to go all by myself to the East Coast‭. ‬Baltimore‭, ‬Philly‭, ‬Delaware‭, ‬Connecticut‭, ‬Rhode Island‭, ‬Boston‭ ‬&‭ ‬NYC‭. ‬Needed a vacation‭...‬new scenery mostly‭. ‬About a week before I left I decided I would throw something together in an attempt to‭ ‬test something out‭ (‬which will remain confidential for the time being‭). ‬I wanted to see how many Hurley fans I could find while‭ ‬I was there and I would give them free stuff and interview them‭. ‬Didn't really expect to find many‭. ‬Threw out a line and got a‭ ‬bite‭....‬a big bite‭. ‬Making cupcakes in NYU students apartments at midnight‭, ‬playing drums on Bleecker with new friends‭, ‬having coffee and breakfast with strangers for hours‭. ‬Really‭, ‬this trip goes down in my book as one of the best trips ever‭...‬solo adventures are where it's at‭. ‬I got to hear so many stories that will stick with me forever‭...‬and THAT is what life is all about‭. ‬check out the video I threw together of some of the awesome people I met on my trip‭. ‬One day I hope to do this for good and by the way‭...‬the still shot of my face on this video is amazing haha‭.‬

1 COMMENTS:

corykhill said...
India... Steph should go to India. I'm just sayin.




12.07.2009

a blog from 2007. wow.

It dawned on me today while I was at work that I currently have a mild obsession with Planter's peanuts...lightly salted. I was talking to a group of friends the other day about relationships in general and the LOOOOVE word, and losing love. Me being the Steph that I am, i associate all things love with food. These peanuts were beyond magnificent. Isn't it funny that you forget how much you really love something until you don't have it for awhile...and then suddenly when you have the opportunity to partake in it once again you are reminded of all of the good feelings that run through your body, the sensations of it on your tastebuds...and you fall in love with it all over again. One of the greatest feelings, i'm sure. I speak from experience with a jar of peanuts in my hand.

BUT in talking to friends about their current situations. The underlying question is HOW do you keep from getting tired of these delicious Planter's dry roasted peanuts? You're afraid that in loving these salty treats so much that you will crave them repeatedly, fall in love with them, but then it will die off when it becomes routine, or perhaps when you needs something sweet. Eventually it could just get old or possibly one day you find a more palatable snack. How do you avoid the vicious circle of loving something so much that you crave it on a regular basis, to one day...having the excitement dwindle off? thoughts?

hm. interesting.

PS: i don't think i've had peanuts since 2007...see what i mean?

12.06.2009

the turning point‭.

This is documentation of one girls dream to do something MORE‭. ‬That girl is me‭.‬

We all have those thoughts about that THING‭. ‬That one thing we may never do before we die‭. ‬we write about it and go on brain trips about the‭ "‬what ifs‭" ‬in life surrounding that THING‭. ‬How many of us really take those thoughts and have our way with them‭? ‬Sure‭, ‬some of us quit our jobs in search of a variety of things‭...‬or maybe‭, ‬just maybe in search of absolutely nothing at all‭. ‬just because it feels right‭.‬

I'm Steph‭. ‬I'm 26‭. ‬In those 26‭ ‬years I have lived in 1‭ ‬place‭...‬Orange County‭, ‬CA‭. ‬I am climbing that corporate ladder right now‭ ‬&‭ ‬have been since I was 20‭, ‬why‭? ‬Because it's what we are raised to do‭. ‬go to school‭, ‬get a job‭, ‬take out loans to go to school‭ ‬again‭, ‬marry a man‭ (‬if you're a woman‭), ‬get a better job‭, ‬have kids and raise them to do the same‭. ‬Honestly‭, ‬I skipped out on a‭ ‬majority of those things‭. ‬Mmmmm‭...‬doesn't this sound good‭...‬dripping with success‭, ‬dream job‭, ‬brand new car‭, ‬closets full of clothes‭, ‬a crapload of computer/photography/music equipment‭, ‬living comfortably‭, ‬having enough money to spend frivolously‭, ‬living‭ ‬&‭ ‬working 5‭ ‬minutes from the beach‭, ‬working for a big name surf brand‭...‬maybe even one day that white picket fence‭, ‬yeah‭? ‬Sounds‭ ‬like a pretty dang good life‭. ‬If you don't know me you'd think I was bragging‭. ‬Rest assured‭, ‬I am not‭. ‬I am blessed to be where‭ ‬I am right now‭ ‬&‭ ‬I know I didn't get here on my own‭. ‬People might say by leaving this life behind that I take it for granted‭. ‬I‭ ‬have spent the last 26.5‭ ‬years doing what I was doing for a reason‭...‬to get me right here in this moment‭. ‬The turning point‭.‬

What it really comes down to‭... ‬I am tired‭. ‬Tired of spending my time doing pointless tasks that don't help a single person besides myself‭. ‬And am I really helping myself‭? ‬With that success comes‭...‬long days/nights‭, ‬ridiculous amounts of stress‭, ‬being cramped in a bubble‭, ‬saggy eyes‭, ‬wearing stiff clothes‭, ‬no time for cultivating friendships‭, ‬never leaving the familiar‭, ‬maybe even‭ ‬seeing the same people everyday‭, ‬not having time to do things that make my heart happy‭, ‬working hard to pay the bills just to come home and sleep in the house you pay for‭...‬then wake up and do it all over again‭. ‬FOR YEARS‭. ‬All for what‭? <‬span style‭="‬font-weight:bold‭;">‬TO DIE‭. ‬We work so hard every single day and we don't get to take any of that with us‭. ‬what do we leave here‭ ‬when our bodies are buried under a mound of dirt‭? ‬The memories and love that we shared with others‭. ‬Have we missed the point‭? ‬I‭ ‬think yes‭. ‬Follow me on my journey into the unknown‭....‬and share your stories with me too‭. ‬This could get interesting‭. ‬

2 COMMENTS:

bonnie m. said...
i fucking love this. and you.
DECEMBER 8, 2009 10:24 PM

Steph said...
bonnie!! you made me smile realllll big just now. 
miss you large amounts!
DECEMBER 21, 2009 12:06 PM

12.05.2009

a bit irritated at this point.

i am frustrated to the point of tears right now. when i get upset i bite my cheeks and do dishes forcefully (i think i got that from my mom haha). i scrub countertops, organize drum hardware & dust between piano keys. Stuff that I know I can fix immediately. i feel better now. you guys (whomever you are) seriously...life is so short & I am reminded of that everyday I get closer to dying. sounds morbid but really....it's not. Truth is, in 2010 I am moving. Moving away from Orange County...as far away from it as I can get actually. This involves leaving my family after 26 years of either being in the same house or being right across the street from them. Without going into too much detail....i am frustrated for the following reasons:

1. if your family wants to do something (let's say...go on a roadtrip to Seattle over Christmas break) and is excited about it...suck it up, don't be selfish. This could be the last time you spend with them and when you're at their funeral crying and trying to remember all of the good memories... you would give anything to have that time back.

2. people aren't going to do stuff for you your entire life. Be an adult. Grow up. One day people won't cater to you anymore.

3. if you find yourself bored or needing to be entertained on a regular basis assess your life....there are SO many things to do. Find a hobby, figure out what your heart loves...find your passion and hold onto it tight with both hands. Once you find that...things stem from that and eventually you find yourself with too much to do and it's exciting!

4. if i decide to make you a present for christmas and you already bought mine don't say "oh, i wish i would've known that so i didn't spend so much money".....really? we have really missed the point of the holidays if that's our attitude.

5. i have half a mind (okay maybe a little more than half) to quit everything and just go see my family...my extended family. My friends, new friends and meet people....let them know I am thankful for them and love them. am i too sappy? probably. do people read this and think....steph that's not life, you just CAN'T do that...you have responsibilities. you have to make money, get a house...settle down. yeah. watch me.

my dad just called to check on me...:) my family is great. i think frustration with people is good because it forces you to put things in your own life into perspective and make adjustments. okay enough ranting for now. i don't know why i even put this on here. i just had an idea that came from this blog....time to start it.