10.18.2010
Leave unsaid unspoken.
Too late, two choices.
To stay or to leave.
Mine was so easy to uncover,
He already left with the other.
So I learned to listen through silence.
Okay folks, let me confront something here that a lot of us do when our hearts feel a bit of aching inside. I think it is interesting but I have caught myself doing the same obvious thing. When something happens in a situation and we can't find ways to express it...we show it in small pieces on social media sites. This just seems silly, doesn't it? We act like we're being sly...or some of us are so obvious it's almost entertaining. Why the heck do we do this? Is it some kind of secret that we hope the other will decode? I choose to write about this because it has come up A LOT in different areas of my life recently. So this post is a giant bowl of mixed feelings about similar situations.
I know why we do it. MEMORIES. We cling on to the idea...the idea that things were great. The "what ifs?" The..."don't you understand what could have beens?!" We beat ourselves up about it until it leaks out in funny ways for all to see. Don't let things from your past interfere with the here and now...hold onto it like that last tight hug. cause when you cast it away...sometimes it's gone for good and you're left, once again, holding onto the "what if's and ideas" instead of the one thing you really desire. Why do you think we do it? I want to hear from those who sit back & laugh at it too...cause I used to be one of you:)
i've spent years writing on this blog, talking in code. For what reason? So people think I don't feel things...that I don't deal. Cause really, i don't deal correctly. I internalize...I act like nothing can phase me. I am trying a different approach now. SLLLLOOOOW process. Take a listen to this song...her voice is powerful and she says "we're peeing puddles of love"...which is awesome.
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5 comments:
you're too optimistic. 'what if' is a perfect way to depression and most importantly, mid-life crisis. which i just positively adore <3
welp, i am one of those people left living in the evil world of what ifs and whys. I feel like a mouse stuck in a maze, every path i take hoping it is the right one and it will lead me out but alas another dead end and i find myself having to go back to where i was to try gain.
I live my life based on loving, so for me the hardest thing to admit is that maybe I dont love enough. I dont love her enough to let her go , or i dont love her enough to stick around and be there for her and just suck up the hurt. ..or i dont love myself enough to let go. every path is a dead end and leaves me with a sick feeling down in the deepest part of my soul. constant questions of if she ever really cared, and if she did how could things have been so bad. so i leave small coded updates on my fb, things that only she would understand just to see if she will get it, if she still cares enough to look at my page. it that fear of being forgotten that makes me want to do it. maybe its knowing that at least for a minute she is thinking of me that brings me comfort since she is on my mind all the time. even now, my status is a list of artists and bands, what do they all have in common? they were all shows i went to with her.
You and I have a lot in common, gf, nobody really knew how bad I hurt and am still hurting. I would talk about it to my friends, but never express that when I would tell people I was ok its because I had to become numb to stop the hurt, problem with that is that i also couldn't feel happiness or love. i remember one time I had Nasaya, Shamia's 2 year old niece, overnight. This child makes me so happy, i love her like she is my own family. Usually just talking about her makes me glow, so I wanted to be with her to make myself feel better. The whole time she was with me i found it difficult to even smile. I literally remember having to force the muscles in my face to make my lips curl up so people wouldn't notice. I had become a robot.
I internalized everything because I was so embarrassed that she had beaten me down so many times but I still kept going back. But they never saw the other side, the girl that cries to me and does care. ...i really do sound like a battered wife. I guess people can be abusers and not even realize it. she is a good person though, that i know for sure. and its the fact that when she finally decides to be everything she can be, she is going to be perfect. thats what makes me stick around.
well this had very little to do with your blog. sorry i just wrote a diary entry on your page. oops!
You should write more often steph. This blog entry was so real and true...and if we all only knew how similar we are in shared pains and heartaches, and just the general human condition, life would be a lot easier. I know you dont know me all that well, but I love it when I get to see glimpses into you.
Keep being you.
Keep posting. You can win againts crisis.
I stumbled across this, and hello enlightenment. All any human wants is to love and be loved in return so when we find someone we connect with, it's near impossible to let go. Even if that person doesn't deserve us every time we just want what we want from them and we can't have it because it's not who they are or how they love. We take what we can from each failed relationship and piece it along with ourselves back together and figure out we're badass and we seem to know what we want more and more. Someday who knows someone extraordinary will actually match up to what we've pieced together and love us unconditionally.
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