5.30.2010

Heavier than I remember.

How is it possible to lay in my bed and have all 120 pounds of me feel so heavy?every heart beat is louder than i remember and I count them wondering when the day will come when that muscles decides it's had enough. What will I be feeling? Will I be happy? Will I feel incomplete...will things be left unresolved? Did I forgive? Did I love the little things that day? Did I even pray that day? Did I write that note to my parents so that actually knew the parts of me that kind of just went unnoticed? Did I fight more that day than I loved? All of these questions scattered in my brain make it impossible to get sleep tonight but somehow laying here with only my thumb moving to type these words into my iPhone feels ok. Some say they find out more about me on this blog than by talking to me in person...and to that I say all you have to do is listen more. There's something about coming home at the end of the day/night and just laying here in the silence, analyzing ME...sounds like I'm in a dark dark place doesn't it? Emo Steph is coming out to play...and I'm figuring out how complicated and crazy I really am. I'm realizing things....

1. I don't do things people tell me to do. Sometimes I say I will but I think when you do that you secretly have a form of resentment building up. I do things on my own time and the way I feel is best and If I don't it's not genuine.

2. I love to love but I'm forgetting to love the little things in life and that is a dangerous thing.

3. I still believe that fighting under any circumstance can be avoided...but I'm starting to believe that I'm living in a fairlytale.

4. I'm learning to be more realistic and less idealistic and ill be honest...it makes the marrow in my bones feel a little weird. But I'm 27 now...and Santa isn't real.

5. Hiding things about yourself for the sake of other people's happiness is overrated...and after this summer I am done with it. Completely. Why not now? You may ask...well after doing it for 27 years...it's a slow process.

6. Don't over analyze this message, folks. Yes, I said folks...just check yourself...your heart. What have you done today to make someone's life a little more pleasant? BUT sometimes you have to ask yourself...what have I done to make my heart happy today? Goodnight.