Thistle Farms. Ghana. Nashville. Stories.

Hi friends! This post is about a life changing organization I got to work with while I was in Nashville, TN called Thistle Farms. Thistle Farms is a social enterprise of Magdalene, which is a residential program for women who have survived lives of prostitution, trafficking, addiction and life on the streets. You know sometimes you just have those experiences that totally catch you off guard and you feel like you are right where you are supposed to be...well, that sums up my day spent with the women at Thistle Farms. Keep in mind, most of the time when I travel I go solo...just me and my camera. I like to get lost and meet people. So I made my way to their manufacturing facility in Nashville and had no idea what I was in for...but I was so excited to document the stories of these women and learn about the products that they've created [image on the left is a shot I took of a product I watched them create and package while I was there.] I was greeted right a way with a huge hug and "are you steph...the photographer?! I got my hair done for today!" And just like that I was in....lost in this amazing adventure. If you know me well...I don't cry very often. Let's just say I cried like a baby while sitting down with 2 of these women and hearing their stories. We cried together and hugged each other. Life is about connection. I had a "ah ha!" moment while sitting on that couch....I never EVER would've been sitting there listening to these amazing women tell me what they've been through and how proud they are of what they make if I had been sitting in a cubicle. It was a friday at 2pm...I am so happy I was far from what used to be comfortable and familiar. I am in the unknown everyday and it keeps me on my toes. Can't wait to share more about my entire Nashville trip soon! I left that day with a bag full of wonderful products, candles, a handmade journal, a happy heart and a bracelet I wear everyday that was made by women in Ghana. What an amazing creative trip. Follow Thistle Farms on Twitter. 
Currently listening to: 38 Special- Second Chance.

We get one story, you and I, and one story alone.

“And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time.”

Hi friends of mine...near & far. This morning's blog post is simple but it's often those seemingly simple tasks that are the most difficult to do. I would encourage everyone...TELL YOUR STORY. let people get to know you...cry a little. be vulnerable. be real. make a connection. i have a big story to tell and today I am sitting down to tell it...not because it makes me comfortable but because it's the right thing to do. Many of you know that my "story" is all over social media...BUT that is the filtered story of Steph. I have spent years, countless hours and tears writing in these brown journals. Sure, I've kept this blog mostly for those things I am comfortable sharing with you. But who knows...maybe words on these beat up pages will stick to someones heart and make a small difference in how a person is treated. Nothing is more real to someone until it hits home. This is my story. This is my song. Stay tuned.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. -Donald Miller | Through Painted Deserts: Light, God, and Beauty on the Open Road

2011 from Steph's iPhone.

I appreciate everyone who made 2011 a great year. Ready for 2012♥

that time i stayed up for 33 hours...

This night HAD to be documented because I haven't had a night/morning like this in a lonnnng time. I am going to start out this post with a question for you....How often do you take time out of your day to truly get to know someone?

"VV" drinking coffee at 4:30am.

Don't get me wrong...I understand that most of us are too busy to even get to know our own families...we are consumed with work, figuring out our own problems and being robots stuck in the same routine. I quit my job for 2 reasons and two reasons only: 1- to spend my day doing something I love...it is much more rewarding. 2- to make my own schedule so I could get to know people in my life and meet new ones. Well this weekend I cleared my schedule and just went with the flow.


I got ready at 1pm for a wedding I was shooting [TreeHouse Wedding Studio - Dallas, TX] in Weatherford, TX. We got to wear cowboy boots and jeans cause the wedding was in the sticks. 


Here's how the night played out after that....

Wedding in Weatherford, TX.

• 6+ hours of shooting and meeting new people at the wedding.
• Changed my shirt & headed out to Fort Worth with some friends to go country dancing. 
• My friend VV (pictured above) and I were the only ones left over at 2:30am.
• We spent close to an hour listening to Taylor Swift & talking about life. It was really the first in depth conversation we've had since we met a year ago. Sad but happens often.
• Waffle House at 4am. 
• 5am: Met an old lady named Francis (see old lady head in picture above.) I told VV i was gonna kick myself if I didn't know her story. She was from Portland, Maine & enjoyed breakfast by herself most morning.
• 6am: impromptu trip to Walmart for grocery shopping? haha
• 6:30am: our 9th cup of coffee that day on the patio.
• 7:00am: my first motorcycle ride on the street. The sun was rising. I was scared to death but made it out alive.
• 8:00am: More coffee & hang out time with Ali.
• 10:30am: Fuzzy's tacos and acting ridiculous.
• 11:30am: Random trip to the driving range haha

I calculated the next day that I had my cowboy boots on for 26 hrs straight.

Moral of this story...take time to listen. Take time to be random. Be spontaneous and laugh a lot. Soak up every moment. Make memories. Enjoy your friends...they could be gone tomorrow and you're gonna wish you got to know them better.

remember that one time i...

summed up 2010 in iPhone photos? [next post...a few photos summing up the first 6 months of 2011] I really can't believe I am packing up my apartment and moving out this month after being in Texas a year.



pretty much explains my life:

If only for a minute.

I seriously cannot get enough of this....my fave is between 1:35-2:30. WATCH IT LOVE IT Thanks Danielle.



"take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like nobody's watching cause they're probably not. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is afterall gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things...down your back like a brook of blessings."

"go to the woods alone and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. go to an unfamiliar city...there are always statues to talk to. Give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute. Might have never happened had you not been there by yourself."

2000 pounds of brick.

"Desire nothing and you will never miss anything you don't have. Love no one and no one will have the power to hurt you by leaving you. Teach yourself not to love life too much and death will hold no terror for you"

This quote hit my heart like 2000 pounds of brick. We've all had our hearts injured by others. We've altered things about ourselves and the way we communicate and approach situations... usually based off of someone else (who probably isn't even around anymore). The easiest way to keep ourselves from experiencing heartache again is to protect our heart at all costs. Defend ourselves. Internalize and hide emotions. Eventually, shutting down. this is damaging in making things healthy in the here and now. Bringing leftovers to a new relationship is a recipe for disaster but it almost seems natural...you discover what you want and what you don't want from past experiences, if that new person doesn't live up to that or makes the same mistakes as someone before they are automatically in trouble because it's familiar to you.

We want them to be the good things from the past and work hard at not being the bad. At what cost?

i think i know the answer.

Everybody's Fine.

The trailer doesn't do this movie justice. I used to not cry during movies....that has all changed. Tonight I went with my family to see this movie at the cheap theatre. I had no idea what I was in for. Recently, and by recently I mean several years....I have been struggling with something. I don't care to talk about it with most people but I'll write about it on here because it needs to be outside of me for once. This is really hard for me to write because I feel like no matter what words come out no one will understand what I am trying to get at, but I will try anyway. Talking in code is pretty entertaining and if people took the time...I guess it's not too hard to figure out what I'm talking about. As most of you know I am really good at tip toeing around topics (which makes complete sense now)....I'm starting to get over that and becoming more real by the second.

Basically, the main topics of this movie (and the main things I have been struggling with):
1. truth being hidden from people close to us for other people's happiness.
2. keeping things from people because they can't handle it.
3. not really knowing the people closest to us when they are the ones that should know us best.
4. wanting to take it back and finally get to know someone when it's too late.
5. living in denial & avoiding issues that make us uncomfortable.

Point is... Very few truly know me. my family doesn't even know me. Honestly, they will be shocked when they find this blog when I die. They have known me for almost 27 years and are the people I love most in this life and yet...still, they only know what I tell them or what they choose to hear. As I sat there in the theatre with them...I sunk low into my chair and sobbed quietly. I hoped as they were watching this movie that they would somehow get the message. The message that their daughter wants them to know her. My friend said something interesting to me last night...she said, "parents are mostly there to help us when we fall....maybe they're not supposed to be a part of every step of the journey." That sure made me think. At this point one major thing is coming between us and it is very hard not to hate that thing....I have to understand and I cannot be mad at them. Life is about love....about the people we meet along the way that help shape us into who we are. Life's too short to put up barriers between the ones we love most...no matter how we were raised. Love is more important than an old set of rules any day and if I ever have kids they will be raised to know that. I've learned that avoiding things and living in denial is easier than hearing the truth...and it's also the worst way to live. But hey, they know one thing for sure....steph's always fine.

Monday smiles.

I LOVE videos that make me smile. There are so many interesting people in the world...meeting people & hearing stories...doesn't get much better than that. the duckduck collective really captures that.

Figs & Ginger from John Carl on Vimeo.

feast.

A screenshot of a video i am putting together called "long beach"



morning conversation over the cubicles at Hurley:

"steph, what are you doing for thanksgiving?"
"eating. family. you know...typical."
"you're eating your family for thanksgiving?"
"yeah...family feast."
"i think it'd be fun to eat my entire family for a holiday"
"i think you'd feel bad about it after"
"i'd probably get in trouble"
"yeah, since it's murder and all"

the fun theory.

I am in love with the song JUNEBUG by Robert Francis. GO GET IT FOR FREE HERE

Steph goes to Orlando, FL.

TO SAY BYE TO JOJO AT LAKE BUTT. HAHA AUGUST 2009.

taking it back to the old school.

Gypsy Den with the Surfing50States boys.

sometimes i eat lunch at my desk because there's always something to research. Today I ended up going back in time and i stumbled across one of my old blogs. It's crazy...

1. how much I used to write on here

2. how busy and distracted I got.

3. how reading old words put you right back there in that moment in time and you remember EXACTLY what you were referring to.

4. how people that were a huge part of your life just aren't there anymore. Friends part ways, hearts are hurt, relationships damaged...learn something from every person and situation, love large amounts, and don't take anyone or any moment for granted.

If you have time take a gander at this...

the best part of waking up

CURRENT SONG: Even Born Again- Sarah Jaffe

the summer of 2009.

"i want to change the world but instead i sleep".

i love that quote above. last night i laid on the floor with Lauren...we had so much to say. It was exciting and refreshing to talk to someone who is so hungry and reaching out for more. This entire summer has really blown my mind. I know that God has had His hand on my life...it is so clear to my friends and I, that we have gotten to this point because of something beyond us. Okay follow me here...timing is everything.

August 2006: enter Drew Wall. I meet Drew at one of my artshows. We hit it off. Sadly, we lose touch for nearly 3 years.

November 2006: enter Michelle Bandach. Michelle & I are in an artshow together at Hurley. She is bizarre, we click immediately.

March 2007: enter Tassia Trink. I meet Tassia when she walks into the Human Resources dept at the hospital i worked at. I saw her walk in, gave her paperwork, made her badge and told myself that we would be friends. Invite her to an artshow I am in.

March 2007: enter Lauren Godlove. Her and Tass come to my artshow. I know that I like these new friends but we continue hanging out randomly in groups every once in awhile for the next 2 years.

(2 year period where I disappear from CA and become a Texan)

June 2009: Randomly meet a girl named Gretchen from Kansas/Mississippi who is mutual friends with a lot of my old friends on Facebook. We meet up and hit it off immediately. She is now my best friend. Come to find out she also knows Drew Wall. Drew & I reunite. Gretchen & I go to a party in Long Beach...she meets all of my friends. Over the summer our group has become a very tight knit group...we have spent one on one time with each other and shared our lives.

a lot of things are happening and it is amazing. life thus far has left me in awe and I am so excited for the future. I am doing things differently on a daily basis. it's going to be good.

Pleonexia & tic tac toe

A word that has echoed in my head for about one month. I tried to shake it off but it was lodged in my brain for good. PLEONEXIA.

"the insatiable desire to have what rightfully belongs to others"

"will pursue its own interests with complete disregard for the rights of others"

"to have a taste of something...and to lust for more."

"never being satisfied"

it's pretty simple. we are all faulty by nature BUT...we know better. Are we ever completely satisfied with where we are at that present moment? Something could always be better...someone could make us happier. There's always something to complain about...something to pick apart and overanalyze until it looks undesireable. We go through this not only in relationships but with everything. I had a job at a hospital....i enjoyed it, i mastered each position I was in, increased my pay and built my resume, but after awhile i dreaded it...i did NOT want to put on a business suit and go to work. i told myself that there HAD to be something better for me...something that fit me. I got the job at Hurley...LOVED IT, dream job. Web content & photography turned into web design. I did that for awhile and took something from it but ultimately decided i didn't want to do that...I didn't like it because it just wasn't "my cup of tea". Social networking is my thing...fun job. Now I sit here and think... I am blessed to have a good paying job that is flexible but is it REALLY my passion? am I ever going to do what I am passionate about? What AM i passionate about? I want to make a differnce and help people without concern for myself and how i'm going to make it in life. At what expense? I get rid of all things comfortable because i want something more. I have been writing about this same thing for 2 years. One day I will do it but seriously... am i always going to want what I don't have?

just some words.

i read blogs daily...google reader is my buddy. here is a photo i stumbled upon yesterday.

i have been making an effort to get to know the girls in my group & really nurture those friendships. so many friends so little time...but i am trying. Last night we had a dinner party at my place. we sat on my patio with lanterns and sipped on beverages, got locked out on the patio, took pictures, and wrote on old paper. there are times when we have just laid on our backs in silence. On Monday night i had a friend over and i realized the next day she was there for 7 hours and it felt like a couple. We talked about God, love, adventure, how we were raised, and things that are important to us. We played music and watched old videos. Talking to her was so inspiring that i cried several times...i told her this was unusual for me (the robot). All of this to say... I appreciate my friends and everyday I am learning something new. Everyday I try to love more, live true, and make a difference. Good things are happening...i can taste it.

catch up & fries with Steph.

"i've been friends with steph for years and i don't really know her that well..."

i thrive off of the group settings rather than the one on one stuff. Always have. Why am I like this? Easy. if I am in a one on one situation with another person they are more than likely going to get to know me...although I usually do my best to avoid talking about myself. I have a way of steering the conversation towards them without them even knowing it...people LOVE talking about themselves so it's not that difficult. on occasion i find a few friends who do want to get to know the softer side of steph and it takes awhile for me to warm up. That whole talking about myself, my past, my future and eventually my heart...i'm still getting used to it. Groups are safe. it seems that i only allow certain people in but what makes those people special? i doubt i'll ever know. There are very few i have found in my life that right off the bat i have had a strong connection with and they have a hard time shutting me up. Those people intruige me...because there's something about them that draws me in and brings something out in me...i can't get enough of it. i don't let just anyone ride my scooter.

kinda funny when someone steals my words...

I came across this blog somewhere and as i was reading i noticed that there were words left in the comment section that sounded so familiar. it's because i said them haha but someone stole them. i'll take it as a compliment...(i only wrote the part in bold on my blog last year)

I was in a troubled relationship a while back. It had long since passed its expiration date and in true lesbian fashion, we continued to hold on—not because there were any hopes of fixing what was wrong, but more out of fear and laziness. One morning, she couldn’t find her cell phone in the apartment, so I called it. The caller-ID ring-tone she set for my name began and she blanched.

“What song is that?” I asked.

“Let go,” she mumbled without making eye-contact.

Neither one of us said a word next. We carried on in silence as we gathered our things getting ready for work.

It was obvious to us back then that we no longer belonged together; but we continued our entanglement for years to come. What we had was comfortable. We knew we would never “make it,” so there was almost no reason to try. This lead to an unhealthy affair wherein she hurt my feelings repeatedly and I fought back with more warmth and affection than was warranted, wanted, or even authentic. Because I liked playing the martyr and she provided me with anecdotes like this one, we fit like hand in glove.

They say the only romantic love is unrequited, and I am nothing if not romantic. I suffered “nobly” for a long time. I understood our dynamic and flaunted it as my cross to bare. Somehow I thought it made me more heroic, more valiant, more. Like an emotional hair-shirt, she was the tool I used to torture myself. A soldier in the war of love, I was earning my purple heart.

I held onto this notion of what love entails (withholding, suffering, martyrdom) for too long. I think I was afraid to be happy because previous ups had been met in equal turn by devastating downs. As a result, I stopped looking to leap. After taking enough major falls, I’ve stayed low to the ground, scrounging around for whatever scraps of affection I could scavenge. I thought this would make me strong. I thought I needed toughening up. I was very wrong. Hiding in the underworld of the under-loved, fighting for every measly bit of emotional sustenance I could consume has been hardening me. I know this because when something wonderful crosses my path, my instincts tell me to run away. No longer brave in the face of an opportunity, I’m terrified. I now find myself filled with fear and doubt. After too much time in my cave, seeing only the occasional spark of my flint, I’ve almost forgotten what the light looks like—I almost don’t believe in it. And when the rock covering the entrance gets pushed a little to the side, the light hurts my eyes and I can no longer hide—it’s terrifying. At the same time, instinctually, I’m drawn to the light; I know it’s where I belong. I feel like I’m starting to wake up, starting to wonder what the world outside looks like and my curiosity is trumping my fear.

It’s time I climbed out and rejoined the ranks of the living, and take my seat near the ones who perch atop the peaks and get carried away by the winds of love. It’s time to fly. Even as I write this, I feel a tightening in my chest, a fear in the pit of my stomach that screams “NOOOOO!!! Hide out in the cave a while longer! Don’t get swept away! Cling to the safety of the lower levels!” But I think, maybe it’s time I let go…

AT 11:10 PM

COMMENTS:

Rebecca said...
Something I've learned through unfortunate experience (totally my own fault) is that it's a bit unsatisfying to give more in a relationship than you're getting back. BUT. It's SO MUCH WORSE to not give anything.

FEBRUARY 17, 2009 9:40 PM
(names have been changed to protect the innocent) said...
So raw so honest.. I like it!

Trusting your heart to someone is probably one of the scariest things ever. The first time is easy. The second time, you'll give people the benefit of the doubt. But after that it gets harder and harder, but not impossible, to let the heart forgive, let go and love again.

This topic reminded of Rachael Yamagata's lyrics:

"There are only two ends to this dance
You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love
keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night"

FEBRUARY 18, 2009 9:19 AM
MLC said...
We get broken open to life and grow bigger. And at some point the pain of the familiar is stronger than our fear of the unknown.

Leap.

hi i am steph the fake flakey people pleasing robot.

i got to thinking about something tonight. how well do people really know me? i am coming to find out that it could quite possibly take years and years to finally "get" Steph. My life is all over every social network....yet only few people have been able to figure me out. so here you go....a little raw information about me, because i feel like being transparent right this second. i have been called a lot of things... good things but also many bad. Always seems like the bad ones echo in my head a bit louder than the good.

**CINNAMON ROLL ELITIST: this is good, real good.

FAKE: I remember being called "fake" one time when I was about 17 and it crushed me. I never wanted to be fake and I didn't feel like I was at the time but the girl hated me because her boyfriend liked me and i was still nice to her. From that point forward...my mind was made up that i wanted to try my very hardest to be REAL. Even if it hurt people...even if it made me look bad. I always say that i am rarely in a bad mood...i feel like recently though there have been days when I have been in a bad mood and have lost a bit of my appreciation for the little things in life. I was reading a blog post from 2008 and was reminded just how much the little things fueled me and it opened my eyes a little more tonight. I also think that people who aren't really in bad moods come across as fake because EVERYONE has a bad day...and I am seeing that it's okay to let people know THIS DAY IS EFFING DUMB and i am having a hard time with it.

PEOPLE PLEASER: ever since i was little i always wanted to make people happy even at the expense of my own happiness. I knew that if in return someone else was happy I would feel okay about it. I would keep my mouth shut and try to focus on what the other person wanted instead of what made me genuinely happy. Now I have learned to listen to my heart and be honest. If you don't like who I am and you haven't taken the time to get to know my heart then you are probably not someone I will want to have around for very long.

ROBOT: first off, i think robots are the raddest things ever. But being called a robot is not viewed as a compliment (as much as i would like it to be). I understand where this comes from...I am pretty good at keeping my emotions to myself....unless I am very upset then my chest and face get red and I have no control over it. I am good at biting my tongue...I am also good at putting aside emotions and dealing with other things at the time without my emotions controlling a situation. Especially if I want to be very level headed about a decision my emotions get put on hold until I figure out what is best for my head and my heart. So yes, I supposed that is viewed as shutting down. I rarely get upset or angry but if my buttons are pushed one too many times i will calmly acknowledge that I am upset about something and question why it is happening as to figure out a solution so that it won't happen again. If things keep happening I slowly but surely start to become distant and withdrawn...this partially helps me to guard my heart and "go to my happy place". When it gets to be too much, emotions are gone...matters need to be addressed....and THAT ladies and gentlemen is when Steph actually morphs into a robot. Emotions always get dealt with...maybe not in the timeliest manner but they do. I am not saying this is the healthiest approach but I am learning about myself daily.

A FLAKE: i have been called a flake several times in my life. This is because at times...i am. I have intentions of making plans with numerous friends throughout the week....i make plans far in advance AND i am spontaneous and make plans at the last minute. Where does that leave me? With no time for myself. I sharpie everything in. I need to start going with the flow because sometimes there are going to be times where i am exhausted and just want to go home, be by myself, light some candles and watch gilmore girls with an 80s sweatband on and I don't want to be disturbed. Often times, I will cancel on people if I am not feeling in the mood to go....I figure why go when my whole heart isn't into it? I feel like those friends would be getting gipped.

i feel better typing all of this out. I also feel exhausted and like I need something refreshing and carefree. I miss the Steph that thrives off of the little things....i think she's just sleepy.

silly facebook....

keep in mind...most of these people in the conversation are people i just met last weekend. So this was completely random and absurd. Read bottom to top.

goodnight.