Heavier than I remember.

How is it possible to lay in my bed and have all 120 pounds of me feel so heavy?every heart beat is louder than i remember and I count them wondering when the day will come when that muscles decides it's had enough. What will I be feeling? Will I be happy? Will I feel incomplete...will things be left unresolved? Did I forgive? Did I love the little things that day? Did I even pray that day? Did I write that note to my parents so that actually knew the parts of me that kind of just went unnoticed? Did I fight more that day than I loved? All of these questions scattered in my brain make it impossible to get sleep tonight but somehow laying here with only my thumb moving to type these words into my iPhone feels ok. Some say they find out more about me on this blog than by talking to me in person...and to that I say all you have to do is listen more. There's something about coming home at the end of the day/night and just laying here in the silence, analyzing ME...sounds like I'm in a dark dark place doesn't it? Emo Steph is coming out to play...and I'm figuring out how complicated and crazy I really am. I'm realizing things....

1. I don't do things people tell me to do. Sometimes I say I will but I think when you do that you secretly have a form of resentment building up. I do things on my own time and the way I feel is best and If I don't it's not genuine.

2. I love to love but I'm forgetting to love the little things in life and that is a dangerous thing.

3. I still believe that fighting under any circumstance can be avoided...but I'm starting to believe that I'm living in a fairlytale.

4. I'm learning to be more realistic and less idealistic and ill be honest...it makes the marrow in my bones feel a little weird. But I'm 27 now...and Santa isn't real.

5. Hiding things about yourself for the sake of other people's happiness is overrated...and after this summer I am done with it. Completely. Why not now? You may ask...well after doing it for 27 years...it's a slow process.

6. Don't over analyze this message, folks. Yes, I said folks...just check yourself...your heart. What have you done today to make someone's life a little more pleasant? BUT sometimes you have to ask yourself...what have I done to make my heart happy today? Goodnight.

2000 pounds of brick.

"Desire nothing and you will never miss anything you don't have. Love no one and no one will have the power to hurt you by leaving you. Teach yourself not to love life too much and death will hold no terror for you"

This quote hit my heart like 2000 pounds of brick. We've all had our hearts injured by others. We've altered things about ourselves and the way we communicate and approach situations... usually based off of someone else (who probably isn't even around anymore). The easiest way to keep ourselves from experiencing heartache again is to protect our heart at all costs. Defend ourselves. Internalize and hide emotions. Eventually, shutting down. this is damaging in making things healthy in the here and now. Bringing leftovers to a new relationship is a recipe for disaster but it almost seems natural...you discover what you want and what you don't want from past experiences, if that new person doesn't live up to that or makes the same mistakes as someone before they are automatically in trouble because it's familiar to you.

We want them to be the good things from the past and work hard at not being the bad. At what cost?

i think i know the answer.

a bit irritated at this point.

i am frustrated to the point of tears right now. when i get upset i bite my cheeks and do dishes forcefully (i think i got that from my mom haha). i scrub countertops, organize drum hardware & dust between piano keys. Stuff that I know I can fix immediately. i feel better now. you guys (whomever you are) seriously...life is so short & I am reminded of that everyday I get closer to dying. sounds morbid but really....it's not. Truth is, in 2010 I am moving. Moving away from Orange County...as far away from it as I can get actually. This involves leaving my family after 26 years of either being in the same house or being right across the street from them. Without going into too much detail....i am frustrated for the following reasons:

1. if your family wants to do something (let's say...go on a roadtrip to Seattle over Christmas break) and is excited about it...suck it up, don't be selfish. This could be the last time you spend with them and when you're at their funeral crying and trying to remember all of the good memories... you would give anything to have that time back.

2. people aren't going to do stuff for you your entire life. Be an adult. Grow up. One day people won't cater to you anymore.

3. if you find yourself bored or needing to be entertained on a regular basis assess your life....there are SO many things to do. Find a hobby, figure out what your heart loves...find your passion and hold onto it tight with both hands. Once you find that...things stem from that and eventually you find yourself with too much to do and it's exciting!

4. if i decide to make you a present for christmas and you already bought mine don't say "oh, i wish i would've known that so i didn't spend so much money".....really? we have really missed the point of the holidays if that's our attitude.

5. i have half a mind (okay maybe a little more than half) to quit everything and just go see my family...my extended family. My friends, new friends and meet people....let them know I am thankful for them and love them. am i too sappy? probably. do people read this and think....steph that's not life, you just CAN'T do that...you have responsibilities. you have to make money, get a house...settle down. yeah. watch me.

my dad just called to check on me...:) my family is great. i think frustration with people is good because it forces you to put things in your own life into perspective and make adjustments. okay enough ranting for now. i don't know why i even put this on here. i just had an idea that came from this blog....time to start it.

I'm like the wind in the canyon

I'm there then I'm gone in a second.

hi.

i feel like i should write. i can't sleep.

i'm sure i say this in every blog but it's crazy when you're alone how much you really learn about yourself. you're forced to be stuck with you and ONLY you. i suck as a human...i am not a good person. i have been told this once in my life (not counting myself). it's funny, out of all of the people in 26 years that have said i am a good person only one voice echoes in my head repeatedly...and it's really all that matters. Everytime I get on the fwy at Brookhurst and pass that light with the sticker on it, i cringe and play it in my head. Mostly, because it's true. partially because i am one for torturing myself. So....anyway, when i think SPECIFICALLY i would like to think that i am a pretty good person. but when i think relationships in GENERAL i look over the last 10 years...wow, disaster. big disasters. My life is an experiment in bad decisions in that area & only a handful of people know about this. Repeating history is when it becomes ridiculous...and i have definitely done that as well. I think it takes falling and completely messing up in order to really make changes. We all know that and we have all been there.

i was talking to a close friend of mine awhile back and picking myself apart with her. she said that she figured it out...she figured out why i kept getting myself into these familiar situations. Besides the fact that i am dumb haha. she said "people are drawn to you and away from what they have because of your passion...it ignites something inside of them and makes them realize things are stale. they ache for that intense passion that they remember they once had." ugh, yeah...passion is great and all but this was not a good thing for me to hear, because i LOVE connecting with other people like this. what she said definitely clicked. i have spent 10 years being in situations like this. putting myself there and sometimes finding myself there unexpectedly. now i recognize it clear as day. i know this because things pop up and i am tested...i actually have to shut my eyes tight and think about what is going on because my immediate reaction is to reach out, listen and help. i'm not always the one that needs to help...i'm realizing that sometimes i just can't be that person. like i said, i'm learning.

i have felt in the past like i am constantly having to look out for someone else...and make sure i am making decisions that are right for them, so that they aren't hurt. despite what some people may think i HATE hurting people. Even when I was the one being hurt I was still worried about the person who was hurting me. I kind of just wanted someone to look out for me for once...but i really am starting to believe that in the moment everyone is in it for themselves. All of us. I have been lied to and i have lied. Life is short...we lose people when we lie. we lose people when we put ourselves first....sometimes they come back around, sometimes seconds chances are handed out freely, sometimes you only get one chance. you take away the lessons and the memories and you hope and pray to God that someone was made to love you for the good and the bad.

"i want passion, the kind that tears your stomach out... the kind that takes you to that next level"

from the month of July.

sometimes i feel like my entire life is spiraling out of control. tonight i lost someone..but tonight i helped someone out. they got their life back. i feel like all i do is invest in things only to sink low into my worn out seat in the front row to watch them shatter. most of the time it's my own damn fault...but i recall a time where i couldn't breathe and choked back the tears... tears you only cry when you've had your heart demolished. i am sure you know it well. i shake my head with my eyes closed tightly as i wait for that familiar blow to the gut.

i fall fast.
i love hard. before the love is gone.
i hit hard.
i mend slowly. and my heart aches quite terribly.
every step of the way.

i used to say i only trust myself but now even that's getting hard.

you think this is about you. you have no idea.

8/30/09 hmm...i came across this in my old journal. no matter how many mistakes i have made over the years...i know that i was loving, living and learning. life is good...it takes us by surprise.

some things are better left unsaid.

"we sat there in silence and let the music speak to us....some things are better left unsaid."

SO. i have been writing a stupid amount. Mostly because a fat man has been sitting on my chest and told me he won't get off until I get some things worked out. Unanswered questions...unresolved feelings...these will stay with me until I release them. Releasing it is the hardest because I immediately want to torture myself in various ways.

More than ever I feel the need to be transparent...like an opacity of 20% in photoshop. I am realizing more and more that trusting others with anything is a huge risk...trusting myself is difficult because you just never know what anyone is capable of. On one hand I would say that people are pretty predictable...on the other hand, you give someone the benefit of the doubt and that is when they end up hurting you...seems to be every man for himself. be selfish. get what you want from people and don't rest until you get it. live on the edge...live in the moment, fly by the seat of your pants...don't overthink...just be honest. The second you are honest with one person you might be forced to lie to another. Feelings are feelings...sometimes they're undeniable and consume every part of you. I would be lying if I said it was easy for me to control my feelings. That it was easy to have that "mind over matter" mentality...sometimes your body and heart just react BUT...following through with those feelings can lead down a path of destruction, for you and for others. You have to try to look ahead a few steps to see what kind of path you're taking and make decisions accordingly. If we don't stumble and fall flat on our face we will never have those experiences to grow from....those mistakes shape us into who we are.

Recognizing that you've made mistakes after the fact is one thing...but knowing you were messing up the entire time even though things felt right, well that's a different story. Why do we continue in things when we know that they cause hurt and pain to others in our lives? I don't know but I am pretty sure we have all done it at some point. I know that I have had it happen to me and I have been at fault as well. Gather the shattered pieces or your heart and keep moving forward.

Currently listening to: Bat For Lashes.

hi i am steph the fake flakey people pleasing robot.

i got to thinking about something tonight. how well do people really know me? i am coming to find out that it could quite possibly take years and years to finally "get" Steph. My life is all over every social network....yet only few people have been able to figure me out. so here you go....a little raw information about me, because i feel like being transparent right this second. i have been called a lot of things... good things but also many bad. Always seems like the bad ones echo in my head a bit louder than the good.

**CINNAMON ROLL ELITIST: this is good, real good.

FAKE: I remember being called "fake" one time when I was about 17 and it crushed me. I never wanted to be fake and I didn't feel like I was at the time but the girl hated me because her boyfriend liked me and i was still nice to her. From that point forward...my mind was made up that i wanted to try my very hardest to be REAL. Even if it hurt people...even if it made me look bad. I always say that i am rarely in a bad mood...i feel like recently though there have been days when I have been in a bad mood and have lost a bit of my appreciation for the little things in life. I was reading a blog post from 2008 and was reminded just how much the little things fueled me and it opened my eyes a little more tonight. I also think that people who aren't really in bad moods come across as fake because EVERYONE has a bad day...and I am seeing that it's okay to let people know THIS DAY IS EFFING DUMB and i am having a hard time with it.

PEOPLE PLEASER: ever since i was little i always wanted to make people happy even at the expense of my own happiness. I knew that if in return someone else was happy I would feel okay about it. I would keep my mouth shut and try to focus on what the other person wanted instead of what made me genuinely happy. Now I have learned to listen to my heart and be honest. If you don't like who I am and you haven't taken the time to get to know my heart then you are probably not someone I will want to have around for very long.

ROBOT: first off, i think robots are the raddest things ever. But being called a robot is not viewed as a compliment (as much as i would like it to be). I understand where this comes from...I am pretty good at keeping my emotions to myself....unless I am very upset then my chest and face get red and I have no control over it. I am good at biting my tongue...I am also good at putting aside emotions and dealing with other things at the time without my emotions controlling a situation. Especially if I want to be very level headed about a decision my emotions get put on hold until I figure out what is best for my head and my heart. So yes, I supposed that is viewed as shutting down. I rarely get upset or angry but if my buttons are pushed one too many times i will calmly acknowledge that I am upset about something and question why it is happening as to figure out a solution so that it won't happen again. If things keep happening I slowly but surely start to become distant and withdrawn...this partially helps me to guard my heart and "go to my happy place". When it gets to be too much, emotions are gone...matters need to be addressed....and THAT ladies and gentlemen is when Steph actually morphs into a robot. Emotions always get dealt with...maybe not in the timeliest manner but they do. I am not saying this is the healthiest approach but I am learning about myself daily.

A FLAKE: i have been called a flake several times in my life. This is because at times...i am. I have intentions of making plans with numerous friends throughout the week....i make plans far in advance AND i am spontaneous and make plans at the last minute. Where does that leave me? With no time for myself. I sharpie everything in. I need to start going with the flow because sometimes there are going to be times where i am exhausted and just want to go home, be by myself, light some candles and watch gilmore girls with an 80s sweatband on and I don't want to be disturbed. Often times, I will cancel on people if I am not feeling in the mood to go....I figure why go when my whole heart isn't into it? I feel like those friends would be getting gipped.

i feel better typing all of this out. I also feel exhausted and like I need something refreshing and carefree. I miss the Steph that thrives off of the little things....i think she's just sleepy.

my heart.

an excerpt from my faithful companion...my old brown leather journal. I needed to read this tonight. i needed to cry. i have yet to write a blog entry where i need to blink to clear the tears from the cusp of my eye. It feels better after a good cry (besides looking like I got ran over by an 18 wheeler the next day). i think i seriously have a problem with the act of crying...it doesn't always happen at the correct time. I will tear up during a good song/concert, or a great fall scenery, a friend's art portfolio, or somewhere where the atmosphere is amazing and happiness is palpable. When it comes to dealing with myself however, i CAN'T cry. It gets trapped inside...bottled up until it's shaken up like a sody pop and explodes. Somewhere I started internalizing when things got rough. First reaction is to buck up...to be okay, to get through it and move on before anyone realizes you're down...because that's just what steph does. She's independent and strong and can conquer anything. False. It always catches up with you.

Sometimes we need to be reminded of our feelings.
08.02.07

"I love writing , once i start I can't stop...it's exactly like dancing. I actually crave it now. There's something about ink on blank paper...my heart on paper. Maybe one day when I have perished someone will get ahold of this leather journal and realize that Steph loved, Steph was loved...she laughed and made a spectacle of herself. Passion stirred deep down in her soul and was fueled by the little things in life. I hope people around me know that they are important to me and I wouldn't be who I am today without their input into my life (negative or positive) it was all a lesson learned..."


time to start writing again.

the core.

growing pains of the heart...one of life's most confusing events. It affects you at your core. You have a choice...make the most of the time you have, or drown in your confusion. Follow your heart...it's the compass of your entire being.


current song: All I Ever Wanted- Train

a brick to the head.

"there are only two ends to this dance.
You can flee with your wounds just in time, or lie there as he feeds,
watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed."

Trusting your heart to someone is probably one of the scariest things ever. The first time is easy. The second time...you give people the benefit of the doubt and say...all people aren't jerks, right? The third time...you question motives, you hesitate, you worry about things that never crossed your mind before. I believe God has a reason for everything....things happen, you learn from your mistakes, they form you into who you are right now...question is, are you happy with you've become? Am I, Steph Grant...happy with who I have become, am I being the change i want to see, am I honest, considerate and making wise choices? God knows, i am trying. I've had some pretty low points and I am not afraid to admit it...things haven't been a walk in the park, they've been crappy at times. i have hurt others... i have been hurt. i've been bitter, angry, stubborn, furious, devastated and disappointed...but through those times I have seen what i am capable of, I have seen what others are capable of...and now the road ahead doesn't seem so hard...i look forward to every step.