Papa's 80th.

This weekend I went on a roadtrip with my family to visit the entire Grant family in Elk Grove, CA. I sure do miss them. I tried to document a majority of the trip. I am sure they were all getting annoyed with a camera in their faces, but I am sure the video will be with it. Here are a few screen shots from my weekend. Happy bday Papa. I <3 You.

tradition: kicking the bread.

My family has been going to Spaghetti Factory since I was 5. It's tradition to sneak a loaf of bread out and kick it around for a bit. First video was from 5 years ago. 2nd video we took tonight. My mom decided to tell the waitress that I snuck the bread out and to go out and tell me I couldn't remove the bread from the restaurant. Sad.


kicking bread- 2005.

ImSteph.com™ | MySpace Video


kicking bread 2010.

ImSteph.com™ | MySpace Video

Everybody's Fine.

The trailer doesn't do this movie justice. I used to not cry during movies....that has all changed. Tonight I went with my family to see this movie at the cheap theatre. I had no idea what I was in for. Recently, and by recently I mean several years....I have been struggling with something. I don't care to talk about it with most people but I'll write about it on here because it needs to be outside of me for once. This is really hard for me to write because I feel like no matter what words come out no one will understand what I am trying to get at, but I will try anyway. Talking in code is pretty entertaining and if people took the time...I guess it's not too hard to figure out what I'm talking about. As most of you know I am really good at tip toeing around topics (which makes complete sense now)....I'm starting to get over that and becoming more real by the second.

Basically, the main topics of this movie (and the main things I have been struggling with):
1. truth being hidden from people close to us for other people's happiness.
2. keeping things from people because they can't handle it.
3. not really knowing the people closest to us when they are the ones that should know us best.
4. wanting to take it back and finally get to know someone when it's too late.
5. living in denial & avoiding issues that make us uncomfortable.

Point is... Very few truly know me. my family doesn't even know me. Honestly, they will be shocked when they find this blog when I die. They have known me for almost 27 years and are the people I love most in this life and yet...still, they only know what I tell them or what they choose to hear. As I sat there in the theatre with them...I sunk low into my chair and sobbed quietly. I hoped as they were watching this movie that they would somehow get the message. The message that their daughter wants them to know her. My friend said something interesting to me last night...she said, "parents are mostly there to help us when we fall....maybe they're not supposed to be a part of every step of the journey." That sure made me think. At this point one major thing is coming between us and it is very hard not to hate that thing....I have to understand and I cannot be mad at them. Life is about love....about the people we meet along the way that help shape us into who we are. Life's too short to put up barriers between the ones we love most...no matter how we were raised. Love is more important than an old set of rules any day and if I ever have kids they will be raised to know that. I've learned that avoiding things and living in denial is easier than hearing the truth...and it's also the worst way to live. But hey, they know one thing for sure....steph's always fine.

a bit irritated at this point.

i am frustrated to the point of tears right now. when i get upset i bite my cheeks and do dishes forcefully (i think i got that from my mom haha). i scrub countertops, organize drum hardware & dust between piano keys. Stuff that I know I can fix immediately. i feel better now. you guys (whomever you are) seriously...life is so short & I am reminded of that everyday I get closer to dying. sounds morbid but really....it's not. Truth is, in 2010 I am moving. Moving away from Orange County...as far away from it as I can get actually. This involves leaving my family after 26 years of either being in the same house or being right across the street from them. Without going into too much detail....i am frustrated for the following reasons:

1. if your family wants to do something (let's say...go on a roadtrip to Seattle over Christmas break) and is excited about it...suck it up, don't be selfish. This could be the last time you spend with them and when you're at their funeral crying and trying to remember all of the good memories... you would give anything to have that time back.

2. people aren't going to do stuff for you your entire life. Be an adult. Grow up. One day people won't cater to you anymore.

3. if you find yourself bored or needing to be entertained on a regular basis assess your life....there are SO many things to do. Find a hobby, figure out what your heart loves...find your passion and hold onto it tight with both hands. Once you find that...things stem from that and eventually you find yourself with too much to do and it's exciting!

4. if i decide to make you a present for christmas and you already bought mine don't say "oh, i wish i would've known that so i didn't spend so much money".....really? we have really missed the point of the holidays if that's our attitude.

5. i have half a mind (okay maybe a little more than half) to quit everything and just go see my family...my extended family. My friends, new friends and meet people....let them know I am thankful for them and love them. am i too sappy? probably. do people read this and think....steph that's not life, you just CAN'T do that...you have responsibilities. you have to make money, get a house...settle down. yeah. watch me.

my dad just called to check on me...:) my family is great. i think frustration with people is good because it forces you to put things in your own life into perspective and make adjustments. okay enough ranting for now. i don't know why i even put this on here. i just had an idea that came from this blog....time to start it.

Kite day in Huntington.

Here's a photo i took of my family several summers ago. It was weird...you couldn't help but stare.

a letter from Mama...

Getting this email this morning made me happy. i see where i get it from...she asked for coffee for Christmas.

Good Morning Steph:

The sun is shining this morning but it is really FROSTY outside - was
supposed to get down in the 20's last night!! BRRRR! I raised the blinds
to let the sun in and give us some warmth and turned the furnace on too.
Yesterday and last night we had a fire in the fireplace.

Thanks for your email from a few days ago. That will give me some Christmas
ideas for you. You asked about ideas for Papa and I.........well Papa can
use some Old Spice Aftershave (not cologne) in the classic/original
fragrance. He doesn't like the newer fragrance - I think it says "fresh" or
something like that. I wouldn't mind getting some "Dunkin' Donuts
Coffee" - that is soooooo good! Or some of that clear kind of bar soap that
Bath & Body sells in Cherry Blossom or Plumeria.

I finally got a little baking done the other day -- 2 batches of cookies and
some date nut bread and a little over a week ago got my fudge made, but
that's all. I may make some pumpkin bread. Not sure about Christmas but
will probably be here.

Well, I guess I'd better get busy. I've got some things I should to do in
my craft room today. Hope you have a good day.
Love,
Mama xxoo